Learning Peacefully

    Can I learn peacefully? Or do I have to go through harsh painful things to learn? Can I learn through following the Holy Spirit in obedience and seeing its fruit? Or do I have to learn through the painful repercussions of doing it my way?
     We are to pray that we can live quietly and in peace. We are to mind our own business. How peaceful is that?! If we mind only our own business it cuts down on a lot of mess in our minds. Plus we have more energy for what we ought to be doing.
      My quest is to be able to live in thanksgiving and peace. Not my natural habitat. We are to live circumspectly not recklessly. We are to move within the sphere of God's annointing and peace. This is what I am aiming for. May I live for a higher, a heavenly calling not things temporal.
      Slowing down to do the right thing, is what I am trying to get into my head. Not always rushing, taking the time to talk when a client wants to talk instead of having me rush off to do their cleaning. Very hard but actually rather rewarding.
      Camping was a trial, a blessing and a lot of work. This is another subject but rather relevant. Packing everything up, setting up the tent, etc. enjoying one and half days then packing it all up and going home to unpack it all seems a gruesome amount of work for a very small amount of relaxation. My solution would be to go longer which I am not sure will ever work out. Being there with our church family is lovely though, so I do not want to miss it.
      I made kabobs the first evening which were well received and yummy. This is the time when everyone makes there own supper. Stacie came a bit late and had had McDonalds. I exclaimed at this and she said, "Yes, I did and I would do it again." Making me realize she was evidently very hungry after her cleaning job. She did eat some and so did Jolene who came really late. Dar also came scavenging and had some. :) I used pork tenderloin marinated in some yogurt concoction. A new recipe again as I get bored with same old, same old. I worried about the Sunday meal I was in charge of along with other ladies but it turned out well. Doug pronounced the amish peanut butter dessert on bread. Here again, why did I worry so much about that meal? Why not do your best and not worry? Yes, well, anyhow..
     One of the high points was when Joy and I went bird watching Saturday morning or rather around noon. We got to see a lot of different water birds. A real treat for me. They were not very close and we wished for a telescope but had to make do with our binoculars.
      I enjoyed Saturday night around our fire with some of the neighboring campers coming to join us. We made smores. (I ate one smothering it in marshmallows to camoflage the chocolate.) Jerry said he could eat them all night. To top that evening off I caught one of my clogs on one of those wicked tent stakes and down I went. Thankfully unhurt except for my wrist which was better in no time.
      Sunday morning when the youth sang their signature song, I got teary. Not sure why but somehow I felt sad. Maybe because this group is coming to an end. Four of them were young marrieds and expecting. Changes have come and some have suffered through sorrows and sickness. It will not stay the same. I would not want it to but at the same time it is hard to see them go through suffering.
      I did not sleep well either night. On the way home, I slept. I was feeling ill, the way I do when sleep deprived. When we got home my lovely husband said, "Go to bed." When I kept stumbling about helping unload, I was forcibly escorted to the bedroom and told to get some sleep. I mumbled, "Thank-you." and did so. Slept till five. Then went to bed 7:30 and felt like a new person this morning.
     

Torment Verses Peace

     I was thinking recently about how lovely it is to be at peace, thinking back to a time when there was mostly torment. I was walking through Wal-mart and I remembered how I used to feel, tormented with fear. It was like having a huge injury and everything ouched horribly. It would stab me in the heart and it would be all I could do to keep going. The nightmares that went with it, not wanting to go to sleep at night. At times getting up very early due to nightmares and not wanting to risk it again. Sitting immobilized on the couch, frozen in terror. Praying, walking, exercising, anything to get relief and finally one day something snapped inside and I no longer tried. Watching videos all the time basicly, to just block out the agony.
     One thing I refrained from doing during this time by a small margin is I did not forsake my Lord. At times, I would just put up a weak almost non-exsistent prayer. And when the enemy came encouraging me that my family would be better off without me, which definitely made sense as I was NOT a good wife and mother at this time, I would stop and think. And I would realize that leaving or committing suicide would hurt them infinitely worse than what I was doing now. And when I really stopped to think, I knew my husband loved me, even though I doubted this continually during this time. (I don't know the havoc it would have created if I would not have had that assurrance.)
      Fear got a foothold in my life and it did not take just an inch but it took miles. I think some of this was due to a sinful past. "Be not deceived. God is not mocked. What you sow that you shall also reap."
      There are some things that stand out to me during this time. Not having anyone to talk to. Nobody was safe or helpful. Condemnation was all that was gotten. (We were in a different church.) My husband on the other hand became more godly and patient and at one point pled and cried out to God for me, on his knees in our bedroom, thinking he had lost me. Tears.. Another thing that happened is that it injured our children particularly the oldest. The last thing is healing. If you do not forsake the Lord or cross boundaries that you have no right to cross there will come healing. Beautiful, sweet, lovely healing. It took a lot of time and was very gradual. As I became more sound of mind and more sane. I started praying for the healing of my husband and our children and I also repented and asked forgiveness of the Lord for getting furiously angry and letting the fear control me. I seemed powerless at the time and I mean powerless, but I still repented and sorrowed with tears over the havoc I created. Sometimes I tried to fix it but it became abundantly clear that I could only pray and ask for mercy for the healing of my family. And again it came through Him and only through Jesus. He is our healer.
       The loveliness of being able to go through a day in peace and joy. We do not value it enough. Fear is of the devil. It is torment. It is evil. There are many, many people that live in torment. We will not be able to help unless we first have compassion and mercy. God is good, his mercy brightens all the paths in which we move. Hallelujah!

Struggles

     I have been thinking of doing things in peace and calm. My sanguine self tends to be bombastic. With being more busy and in a different way than when the children were small or being homeschooled, I am trying to rethink my ways. Instead of always rushing here and there, why not just do it matter-of-factly and in peace. There are lots of things to do and plan but why get riled up? Why not just stay calm? Why not have a house at peace even if it gets messy with neglect now and then or often, as the case may be?
    Here are some reasons for stress: Having to have the house ready each time a realtor wants to show it. Cleaning jobs every weekday morning except Monday unless I have windows to wash for someone. College class that takes up most of Monday afternoon. Trying to think of supper menus that don't take long. (I have been failing at supper altogether this past week.) Confession. Camping and special events coming up. Mostly I find it a challenge to keep the household and meals running smoothly. Planning ahead is not my forte. Then to top everything off the squirrels are stealing my suet and not just the suet but the whole suet holder. Two of them have been taken to date, not counting last year. :) This morning one was contemplating another of my feeders but takes off and hides before Jerry can end his life of crime.
     I am really enjoying the bird watching and getting to see and identify birds that I never did before. Of course, sometimes it fails. Last night Jerry and I went to Briery Creek. One bird was seen besides several crows. We decided it was nice and peaceful at least.
     I thought of another nerve wracking thing. That is asking for a raise. I went up with my three new jobs and they did not fuss at all so I decided the old ones need to be put up also. So far so good. I
decided to do what my friend does. She tells them that by the time she pays social security and taxes she gets about half, which is true. She charges more than I do so that gave me courage.
     I am thankful for fall, cooler temperatures, and oh yes! I am especially glad that Chris finally found out what illness he has been struggling with. Mononucleosis. I think that is how you spell it. We are so thankful that it is not his lymes coming back. Praise the Lord!

Confession

     What  a lovely weekend.  Our visitors and cool weather made it extra special. Seeing a summer tanager this morning made my day. I have seen the yellow ones but not the scarlet males. The church service was good and inspiring. Rhoda shared something in Sunday school that I really needed to hear. She said she has learned she is not Holy Spirit Junior. And then shared how she was not allowed to speak to someone about something so she just prayed about not really expecting God to move right away. Not too much later, she learned that the truths she had wanted to share with this person, were learned by this person without her help. This spoke to me where I am at.
      OK. Confession time. I was looking at news articles and saw this picture that intrigued me so, even though I saw it was a video I clicked on it. It was a video of things that went wrong with funny results. I watched it. There I confessed It. It was not long but still I had not been watching anything so decided this needed a confession and repentance. I want to keep on this path and not stray off it. I like the results and fruits too much to want to give in even to that. I do not want to give it any leeway.
      I was asking Jerry the secret of his Christian life and specifically about prayer. I see the fruit and results of his Christian life but not so much the why. He said there is a book that really influenced him. It is called The Spiritual Guide by Michael Molinos. I have started reading it and am trying to practice it. I am not sure but think it is already making a difference. Will keep you posted. This especially spoke to me: "But when the believer fixes his attention on the face of his Lord without requiring consideration, reasoning, without need of proofs to be convinced of anything, this is a higher prayer."

Birds, Forgiveness, and Worship

    This morning a hawk was on the ground in our field with the crow he had caught. What attracted our attention was the outraged cries of many crows and I mean many. They were still coming from different directions when I stepped out onto the back deck to view it through my binoculars. The hawk was facing me and decided to depart. What struck me was the amount of outrage not just from crows in the immediate vicinity but coming in from different directions to participate. They did not let up when he flew into the woods or when he flew to the neighbor's trees. Stacie said that is the way a church should act when the enemy attacks one of us. Another thing that made an impression on me before this was when a hawk had caught a blue jay. People say nature is so beautiful etc. and that we should not interfere, forgetting that we as people were given charge of the earth and are to subdue it. The hideous slow death of that blue jay was a revelation to me. Nature is not beautiful, it is brutal. There are beauties in nature but it is definitely better for the dominion of mankind if he does not shirk his duty.
      I will now get off my soap box. Church started by ministering in the songs sung at the beginning and the encouragement to leave the things of our week go and praise Him. What a wonderful thing to be able to worship Him because He is worthy and leaving who we are and the worry that goes with it. Just leaving it to worship Him and Him only. There was prayer for the sick among us. For some reason there was a real burden on me for these, a weeping. The enemy seems to be attacking our young men. Godly young men are warriors the enemy especially fears and attacks. They grow into ministers and pillars of the church. May the enemy be defeated. May his machinations come to naught.
      The message was on forgiveness. We have heard so many messages on forgiveness since we have come to this church, often by visiting ministers. Today was by a visiting minister as well. One who has lived it to a more pronounced degree than maybe a lot of us. He started with Proverbs 19:11. It is the glory of man to pass over a transgression. Doesn't that elevate forgiveness? It is the glory of man to let things go. It is the glory of man to not hold a grudge. It is the glory of man to not live in bitterness. I really like this quote: When man forgives he radiates God's power to others. I will end with that. God bless.    

Prepositions and Prayer

      Yay! I am vindicated. I have been trying not to end my sentences with prepositions. I will now cease and desist this practice. The Saturday Evening Post has shattered that rule; completely smashed it. What is more William Shakespeare, Francis Bacon, John Milton, and Henry Ward Beecher were all named as doing it with examples of their work. Lovely. 

       I realize I am not a writer; not worthy of being called one. I make not no bones about it. Stringing words together hoping they make sense is what I do. Actually knowing how to construct an essay, story, etc. is definitely not something I know much about. Now, I have one less rule that I have to watch out for. :) I shall try not to overdo it.

       Praying is on my mind. What would happen if I devoted a certain amount of time each day to it? I read once of a praying lady whom people would ask to pray for their needs and burdens. She would go into her closet to pray and start praising the Lord, never even getting to the requests. And the requests and needs would be met. Her intention was to pray for the requests but when she got before the Lord her heart would swell in praise, so that is what she would do.

       I need to minister to my family. This is very important. At the same time, I am neglecting the Lord. I am letting frustrations, stress and many obligations rob me of walking in peace and calm. Maybe if I put first things first, just maybe I would be more peaceful and full of grace. 

Energy!

    Due to years of foot pain, the idea of accomplishing a lot in a day is somewhat foreign to me. Lately, this is changing. It is a weird feeling to feel so driven and actually get accomplished what I set out to do. For some reason the fatigue and tiredness I often felt is also gone. This is all very amazing to me.
    I attribute some of this directly to my watching fast. I have also been going to the chiropractor for my foot and he has also been working on my back. Through that I also started using the exercisor and doing other exercises. Whatever it is that is giving me energy, I am thankful.
     I am thankful not to have that thing of watching something tugging at me every minute. I am thankful to be able to think clearly, unhindered by noise and garbage. I am thankful for the opportunity to help out financially. I am thankful for the ability to work hard. I am thankful for being ready to go with Jerry when he wants me to go along somewhere. I am thankful for birds to watch. :)
     I guess I am thankful for dentists, yes, I am. I was to one today. First the needle that makes your eyes water. Then you wait until you are sure the numbness is leaving. When you are about to get up and leave here he comes with the drill. My lip, with mouth wide open trembles in abject fear. Memories of a dentist in days of yore, who, in his zeal went too deep and hit my sinus come to haunt me. I pray the numbness will hold. With wonder, I listen to their joking, devoutly hoping he is keeping his eyes on my tooth as he drills away. The dentist pauses in his work to throw an empty box of gloves at one of the receptionists. He misses due the low ceiling he is sure. The new box of gloves arrives amidst laughter. I grin without enthusiasm. Finally, the victim is released. I still can not breathe well out of one nostril due to the numbing. I did not tell him this so as to not impede progress. After he had numbed me and finally returned to do the deed. He saw the cold sore at the corner of my mouth and suggested we could wait a couple weeks. Oh NO! I am here now and we are going to get this over with. I said this in a milder way but definitely waiting was not an option. The cold sore, an eruption due to stress, was just going to have live with it or preferably die.
     I will end with a trivia question: Why, with five pairs of reading glasses, one of them broken, can I find only two that work?