I was thinking recently about how lovely it is to be at peace, thinking back to a time when there was mostly torment. I was walking through Wal-mart and I remembered how I used to feel, tormented with fear. It was like having a huge injury and everything ouched horribly. It would stab me in the heart and it would be all I could do to keep going. The nightmares that went with it, not wanting to go to sleep at night. At times getting up very early due to nightmares and not wanting to risk it again. Sitting immobilized on the couch, frozen in terror. Praying, walking, exercising, anything to get relief and finally one day something snapped inside and I no longer tried. Watching videos all the time basicly, to just block out the agony.
One thing I refrained from doing during this time by a small margin is I did not forsake my Lord. At times, I would just put up a weak almost non-exsistent prayer. And when the enemy came encouraging me that my family would be better off without me, which definitely made sense as I was NOT a good wife and mother at this time, I would stop and think. And I would realize that leaving or committing suicide would hurt them infinitely worse than what I was doing now. And when I really stopped to think, I knew my husband loved me, even though I doubted this continually during this time. (I don't know the havoc it would have created if I would not have had that assurrance.)
Fear got a foothold in my life and it did not take just an inch but it took miles. I think some of this was due to a sinful past. "Be not deceived. God is not mocked. What you sow that you shall also reap."
There are some things that stand out to me during this time. Not having anyone to talk to. Nobody was safe or helpful. Condemnation was all that was gotten. (We were in a different church.) My husband on the other hand became more godly and patient and at one point pled and cried out to God for me, on his knees in our bedroom, thinking he had lost me. Tears.. Another thing that happened is that it injured our children particularly the oldest. The last thing is healing. If you do not forsake the Lord or cross boundaries that you have no right to cross there will come healing. Beautiful, sweet, lovely healing. It took a lot of time and was very gradual. As I became more sound of mind and more sane. I started praying for the healing of my husband and our children and I also repented and asked forgiveness of the Lord for getting furiously angry and letting the fear control me. I seemed powerless at the time and I mean powerless, but I still repented and sorrowed with tears over the havoc I created. Sometimes I tried to fix it but it became abundantly clear that I could only pray and ask for mercy for the healing of my family. And again it came through Him and only through Jesus. He is our healer.
The loveliness of being able to go through a day in peace and joy. We do not value it enough. Fear is of the devil. It is torment. It is evil. There are many, many people that live in torment. We will not be able to help unless we first have compassion and mercy. God is good, his mercy brightens all the paths in which we move. Hallelujah!
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