The Blessing That Came Yesterday

      I am not sure where to start, but God came so graciously yesterday afternoon and evening. I asked God as I prayed if His angel had gotten here yet. I just asked this in my spirit and I felt like God's answer was, yes. Stacie had a faith given to her way earlier that God's angel is on the way as he was for Daniel, that he had started out when we first started praying for Debi. (Debi, I hope you don't mind.)
      So many things going through my mind...How by this time there was almost a sense of hopelessness in me. Yet, I kept following the Lord's gentle promptings in faith only, there was little strength, only obedience. Sometimes you know in your head that God is the only hope, but then there comes a time when you really know it down deep in your gut.
      I had learned earlier the devastation it can cause if I am not under my husband. This day God gave great grace to let Him lead and not interfere. He gave me faith as I prayed silently that God would give him direction. His calm confidence was an inspiration. If ever I need an example and how often this is, of a lack of striving, and of faith and confidence in one's God, I have it in my husband. I became more involved later, for you that are wondering if all I did was just pray. :)
      All I know is that He came, with direction, with power, with forgiveness, acceptance, and with that wonderful calmness and peace that can only come from Him.
      I woke up with a song on my heart. Praise to Him who allows us to work in His kingdom.

Out of the Depths

      Out of sickness, discouragement, depression (I felt like Eeyore), failure, I cry unto you, Lord. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want answers and there are none. Long have I waited and still there are no answers and yet, there are. Maybe not the ones I want but through talking with Jerry and reading one of my brother's statuses there are words of hope.

      From Jerry: For real transformation to take place, the glory of the Lord must be beheld from the ground where the trouble lies. It can not be done in the abstract. We must behold the glory of the Lord from the midst of the temptation or right after we have failed. We are not to imagine how the transformation will be done. We must only behold the glory of the Lord and we MUST see it. 

      Me: What is His glory? 

      Jerry: Reads to me from Revelation 4 and 5. 

      Me: So what you're saying is worship Him?

      Jerry: Thinks a bit then says, "Yes, in a sense. Worship Him even on the ground of failure. Worship is the out working of our faith in that situation."

      Dale says: God used worship, primarily, to deliver me from the endless mind games from the enemy. 

      Also from Dale:

Ro. 4:17 (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, AND CALLETH THOSE THINGS WHICH BE NOT AS THOUGH THEY WERE. ~ Abram became Abraham, became the father of all those who live by faith, and received the long awaited promise BECAUSE HE ALLOWED GOD TO CALL HIM SOMETHING THAT HAD NOT HAPPENED YET. Even though it had be...come impossible Abraham still believed what God said would happen. Are you allowing God to "name" you or do you receive your identity from your past, your failures and your mistakes? Hypocrisy is to pretend to be someone you're not, to be accepted and approved of by man. Faith is to believe you are what God says you are, in spite of your failures and what you see at times. We grieve and sorrow over our failures, mistakes, and sins but we do not let them become our identity. And we can begin rejoicing, by faith, in who God says we are even before we see it fully established in our lives. This pleases God." 

      

      He is worthy of all glory and praise. I have been very much convicted on how little I praise Him and worship Him. I want to behold His glory even in the depths of discouragement.

Sacrifice

    "Any sacrifice we make in our quest for freedom will be wholly consumed and blessed by God."
     "To be liberated in Christ, we've got some sacrifices to make. Make sure He's the one asking for it, but if He is, any sacrifice you make will be wholly consumed by Him as such a sweet sacrifice. He will bless."
     "We fear making sacrifices."
     These are all quotes from Beth Moore. They blessed me in this giving up of watching things and not playing games on line. I am not sure what it all means but I have already been blessed more than a little.
      Sickness overtook me in the night so I stayed home from church. I went out to shut off the water for the pool and decided to walk around a bit. I looked like Sasquatch and was in my housecoat. Then I saw them. These little lovely birds, I had never seen before. I looked through all the warblers and nothing fit. Then I found the Blue-Gray Gnatcatcher and that fit on all points and migration is on target too. I felt like God had smiled at me even in my misery. Later in the day Jerry saw a strange bird on the back deck and pointed it out to me. I only got one good look at it and think it might have been a Black-and-White Warbler but am not sure. It was black and white that I know. Debi came over to see what I was so excited about and muttered she thought it would at least be a deer or something. :) Even later on when I went out to look at birds I saw more different ones and here again I was not completely sure what I saw but decided all in all it was a lovely day, sick or not.
    

Dog Days

    Writing tonight is not what I feel like doing. Cabin fever is pressing in on my brain. Sluggishness hounds me.
     This morning I ground my first coffee beans and crunched on one for good measure. Then I made coffee in a French Press. This may be a passing fad. Too much clean up. The point seems to be taste and that it is good for you or better for you than regular coffee. I did like it though it could have been stronger and should definitely not have creamer in it. We will see how this goes.
     I did some logic puzzles today to get my brain in gear for the college class I will be taking. Also I think I was just plain lazy today. The fact that I did not have to go to work went to my brain. Two new cleaning jobs are now added to my previous schedule. One with three huge dogs and one with no animals. One of the huge dogs is still a puppy and watched with great concern as I swept up the dirt in the kitchen. I thought my grandpa's saying apt, "Vas grossa das drech moved selvat vech." I am sure I did not spell it right but the meaning is the greater the dirt moves itself away.
   

Shrizzled

    Going to Richmond on a very hot day is not the best idea in the world but we survived. We came home rather depleted in money and energy.
    I feel the beauty of not being able to watch anything tonight. It gives me the umph to do other things though tired and sleepy. A load of thrift store clothes is in the dryer. The kitchen is cleaned up. (The girls did that.) Now for a rest before a day of work tomorrow.
    Not sure what is going on but more jobs are coming in. (House cleaning) I will be thankful though cleaning is not my favorite occupation. We can use the income with two girls in college this fall. I will thank the Lord for His provision. He is faithful and true. The only wise God. Praise Him!

The Heat of Summer

    I think I should get back to writing everyday as I seem to shirk if I don't have a set schedule. I am still not watching anything. At times it pulls at me but so far not successfully.
    What I have seen with watching things is that it really cripples you socially. It can keep you from going out and socializing and showing an interest in other people. It can also make you selfish and unavailable. It can motivate you if you use it as a reward for doing something you don't want to do but should. But somehow I don't think it is a healthy reward.
     There are people that handle it in a healthy way that I admire. Jerry for example, if I want to talk to him and he is watching a movie, he has no qualms about stopping it and spending time with me or whoever needs him. He seems to always keep himself to some degree removed from what he is watching unlike me. He also has no problem stopping a movie in the middle if he thinks it is going no where. He does not have to see the ending. If he does not approve of it he will turn it off.
     I have only been at this about a three and one half months. It seems a lot longer. I plan to continue and am still mulling over whether I ever want to get back into it.
     On Sunday, I was moved and blessed with how, when we are weak and not feeling good and feeling anything but inspired and still step out in obedience to do what we are supposed to do, here the Lord comes and gives words I had not even planned to say. It showed me again how important it is just to be obedient even when we feel like we would rather fall into bed and sleep. If we obey he meets us and that is better than sleep.
     Well, my title is getting neglected. It is hot and it looks like it is going to get hotter. Stacie mowed lawn today and she got very warm but took it well. I did not dare. I usually do some of the mowing but today the heat was a bit too scary. I took a swim after supper. It was nice. The water is still cool. I don't really enjoy lukewarm water. I grilled steak for supper. I told Chris I feel like I am adding to the heat.

Calmness

    The calm assurance of a godly person is very reassuring. His faith, his words build faith in me. He is not out to prove anything. He does not control or try to control.
     This morning I realized that I do not have to make anything happen. I can not make something happen. Only Jesus can. I have to let go and trust Him. Chiefly I MUST let go. A load went off my back but so quickly I try to take it up again.
     I praise Jesus tonight. I proclaim Him as Lord and Savior. He only can deliver. He only can save. We can present the truth. We can exhort. We can pray but ultimately He alone will save. Glory and praise be to His Name! He is worthy!

The Business of Summer

    Somehow I had this vision of a relaxing summer. The materializing of it is not happening. I have had relaxing moments but as a whole not so much. I am getting another cleaning job and have signed up for an ornithology class in the local community college for this fall. Our church is planning on starting a church school this fall if possible and last night some were suggesting I should be the teacher. At one time I thought it would be a good thing but after some thought I am not so sure. Hopefully, another teacher will be found.
     Each day I seem to get about half done of what I want to get done. Frustrating. I think an earlier start would be extremely beneficial. Accomplishing it is another matter. I have become too lackadaisical or maybe just lazy. There. I confessed it. Also energy is increased by exercise so maybe some of that would help. I have been getting some but could use more. I always think I am going to use the pool when it opens but then cop out. Another confession.
      The heat has been getting to me again. I detest getting sick from it and can sometime avert it but not always. Dumping water over my head helped when mowing but still did not actually keep me from getting sick. Today when I got so hot at work, I did not eat for a good three hours afterward except for a bit of applesauce and I actually am fine tonight. So maybe if I do not eat for a good long time after I get very warm or hot describes it better, maybe I can keep the sickness at bay. I am hoping I have found the key to staying well in hot weather.
       Another fault I have been trying to deal its death blow, is when you should be doing one thing, you do something else instead. This has plagued me ever since I was in third grade, I think, with various degrees of victory off and on. It is a sort of rebellion or let's just call it rebellion which is abhorrent to the Father. Doing something that needs to be done when it needs to be done has no yeast in it. It is like unleavened bread. It is very healthy. I want to be healthy and doing the will of the Father is like eating vegetables in a way. There is no pizzazz. It does not give you a buzz. It does not put you on a high. It does not give you a low either. It strengthens and nourishes. When we submit to God and resist the devil, he has to leave, which then clears the mind and brightens our outlook.

Mini Vacation

   Finally, I am writing again. Being up here with my parents has been revitalizing. Having a little prayer meeting with sisters and parents, having an even smaller one with Mom one day, they are precious memories. The encouragement from sister-in-law Karyn and daughter Jacki was invaluable. It was worth coming up here just for that. Then of course, the times of laughter and conversation with everybody are lovely and relaxing.
    I am especially thankful for Stacie's safe return from Faith Builders this afternoon. She had a harrowing trip and I feel almost weepy with thankfulness for her safety. I am also thankful for her getting an answer from the Lord about something while she was there. I am thankful for the song It Is Finished this morning in church. It blessed me so much. Also thankful for the sermon. I will not attempt to repeat it but its title was Almost.
    I have not watched anything while up here so if you are wondering I have kept the faith. :) I have gotten more insights about watching things while I have been here. I will attempt to relate them later but more and more I see no benefit in it for a healthy person. I do not know about sick or hurting people.
    I am sitting on the screened in porch. It is dusk and the rain cooled it down to a very bearable temperature. The birds are singing and the trees are dripping with wetness. Very lovely.
    Feel the itch to get home especially to see my dear better half. I feel ready to face cleaning jobs, house work, lawn mowing, hopefully some canning, etc. Am looking forward to seeing homefolks and especially Chris and Debi.
    I just thought of a conversation by yours truly and better half for your amusement:
    Jerry says something. Reaches over and touches my hand. No Response. Pulls his hand back and says, "See! You want nothing to do with me."
    Me: "You just stabbed me in the heart. It takes a little while to recover."
    Jerry puzzled, "What did I say?"
    Me: "I don't know! but you have to give me some time to recover."
    Jerry exasperated, "What did I say?!"
    Me: "I don't know." Starts giggling.
    Jerry: "This is the stupidest conversation we've ever had."
    This was after a very trying day and I was feeling very harassed and I could not remember what he had said. Anyway, we started laughing and the day ended well. "Laughter doeth good like medicine."
     Just a side note, I would never make a law in a church or support it that the people in it could not watch anything. I am making observations, etc. for my own benefit. I firmly believe that convictions formed on your own through the Word of God and the Holy Spirit and maybe even through being inspired by other believers are much firmer than any man made law. Convictions are formed through wanting to do the will of God and a deep desire to live in His presence. When we so love His presence, anything that makes that communion fade becomes something about which we have to decide whether to give it up or not.
     I have been reading a very good book that Dad suggested. One thing I noticed though is that it does not take the place of the Bible. The Bible cuts through the fat. It has no yeast. It is just truth. Unadulterated truth. I sorrow over the little I have read it in my life. It refreshes. It puts everything in proper perspective. It shows you your proper place. It keeps you from becoming high minded and proud. It teaches you who you are in Christ. It shows you Christ. It gives you precious promises to believe and hang onto.

In PA

    This might be a bit of a testing for my watching fast. My parents have TV. They use it very discreetly but it might become a bit tempting. I did see a bit of the news tonight which is not a temptation for me and never has been. They are very respectful about me not watching something but I do not want to be the cause of them not watching something if they want to sometime. I am just planning to go into another room and do something else if that happens.
    Really enjoyed traveling with the girls today. Stacie drove all the way up. First we did a lot of laughing and talking. Later Jolene and I took naps. Stacie's car (Herman) was put to the test going over the mountains here close to my parents. I patted him and told him he could do it. :) Stacie is still not feeling the best and took a long nap when we got here.
    It is always good to chat with Mom and Dad and their place always seems like a retreat to me. I miss my better half. Hopefully, he will get some rest. I can hardly believe they have fast internet here after years of waiting. We have not figured out the password so we can use the wireless internet yet so I am on their computer.
    I am thankful to have this time here with my parents. I am thankful that my sisters are coming and also several nieces. I am thankful that sister-in-law, Karyn is coming. May God bless our time together and also bless the ones at home.

Envy

    I have been thinking of jealousy and envy lately. Why do we envy? What causes it? Is it insecurity? Is it pride? Wherever it comes from, the Bible is pretty clear about it being evil. 
    Another question I have is how do you help someone who is struggling with it? I think there is fear in envy, at least sometimes. Fear is from the Devil. This is becoming more real to me all the time. Fear hamstrings you. It keeps you from doing what you ought to do. I think there is also pride in envy. A thinking that you deserve more or better than what the other person does. Maybe thinking more highly of yourself than you ought to.
     One thing James says is that if we have envy we are not to glory and we are not to lie against the truth. We are to be honest about it. He also says, "Where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work." So envy is an awful thing and causes confusion which makes me think of not being able to think clearly and just being confused. "Every evil work" makes me think what envy causes a person to do. It can cause you to be mean and cold instead of loving and warm. It can cause you to be spiteful and critical instead of encouraging and kind.
     Maybe if we can remember how we are loved by the Father, that He wants us and accepts us as we are with all our mess, maybe then knowing we are accepted and loved, we can let go of envy. At the same time submitting to Him and His will and allowing Him to burn up the dross. As always, I think being honest is key, not making excuses, but saying flat out, "Lord, I envy that person" then asking God's forgiveness.
     The beauty of love, is its willingness to forgive and its ability to make good things grow.