Looking Back

     I was reading parts of my journal written through the time at Bible school. Looking back is not always a good thing but tonight I could see how it can be good. I actually saw the value a journal could have in reminding you of milestones and things that the Lord impressed on your heart at that time. We forget so easily.
    The need for times of being alone has been impressed on me. Time when you can recharge so to speak. Tonight I went out back where we have a bench and swing under some trees. It was very peaceful. Instead of ignoring this need I need to try and find a way to meet it.
    

Success!

     Mission accomplished. The prayer sister supper is over and seemed successful. The drink and rice were a hit. I forgot to put out the one dish and after I tasted it I was glad. I did not like it. It was a mozzarella cheese and tomato conglomeration. The Italian food everybody brought was very good. The decorating that Vera did was great. Everybody liked it.
     I with I could learn to do things with less stress. I envision calm, peaceful preparations. I can dream can't I?
     This very tired person is now heading for some shut-eye.
    

Stupid Fears

     The drink that I am planning to take to the prayer sister supper is not going to be good. It is a new recipe. It probably will not be sweet enough. Supposing the whole thing is a disaster. Maybe there won't be enough food. My drink is too complicated. I will not have it ready on time. There. Are those enough stupid fears?
     Jolene assures me that most exotic things don't taste very good. Stacie says the new recipes I make are usually great. Both of them said if they don't like it they can drink water. The practical reassurances of youth.
     Have you ever noticed how irrational fears are? They often have no basis on fact or if they do they grow into fears that are no longer fact based. We should always try to keep fears from getting a foot hold in our life. They are from the enemy and do nothing more than paralyze and immobilize if you give them room. There are times when fear is so debilitating that only God can eradicate it. I went through a time of debilitating fear some years ago that I simply could not get over. That was the worst time I ever went through. For that reason I am so wonderfully thankful to be able to walk free of fear.  

Too Soon

    Sometimes we speak too soon of victory. Why is that? Is it to teach us not to be presumptuous? To teach us patience? So that we learn to be circumspect, cautious?
    I played all of Handel's Messiah today. I felt like truth needed to be proclaimed and since I was alone I could do as I saw fit. I had started to get discouraged but then I thought no, Jesus is still Lord. He is still the Almighty One. Even when the enemy is roaring he is not almighty by any means.
    Today when discouragement loomed menacingly, my former path looked inviting. To block out the blueness and watch something would have been my former method. Today I faced it instead and kept walking.

On With the Fast

    You may be wondering how it is going. It is going well. I am not really tempted right now, too many other things going on. Am thankful for the absence of temptation. The ability to focus on something to a greater degree since I am not watching anything is substantially improved. I think it is harder to do the boring things, yet, at the same time, I think I get more accomplished. (Not quite certain of that yet) I know I am doing things and undertaking things I never did before.
    Thankful for:

1. Chris having a more peaceful day at work than he has had for a long time. (He is working for Jerry now.)
2. That the girls got to go to the beach. Lord, protect them, please.
3. Time alone with my husband. (No children at home earlier.)
4. Debi's being set free last night. Our God is so good!
5. Raccoons. :)
6. Trials and tribulations that bring us to closer to the Lord.
7. Peace.
8. Joy.
9. Wonder at the mighty workings of God.
10. His tender love for His children.

    "Amazing love! How can it be that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?" I played this song over and over one night when the battle was intense. What wonderful songs we have to sing. Often with a depth and inspiration I forget until I hear or sing them again.
   

The Truth

    "And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." John 8:32 Isn't this an awesome verse!? The truth will set us free. "Power for the believer comes in knowing and choosing the truth. "
    "Deception is the key strategy of the evil one."
    In doing some reading tonight these words and verses were so freeing. There were more that I am not posting and they ministered life to me. It made me think that the chief aim of the enemy is to have us believe his lies. When we start knowing and choosing the truth we are on the path to freedom. "Believe, declare and act upon the truth of God's Word, and you will thwart Satan's plan."
    A little victory today involving a book. I felt like the Lord wanted me not to finish it and throw it away. I did not see that much wrong with the book other than it just did not feel clean. (I was not even half way through.) I did not throw it away or stop reading it the first time this impression came to me but today I just decided to obey and did. It is amazing how freeing that is. It is the not obeying that puts chains around us. Freedom is obeying when that nudge comes. Blessed thought

Victory

    I was a part of something tonight that I was never a part of before. Praying, singing and rebuking the enemy. Not retreating but advancing in full confidence and faith that he does have to go. Jesus is the Victor.
    One thing that struck me was how much the enemy does not like us singing praises and hymns about the blood of Jesus especially. It made me think how important it is for us to sing, praise and worship.
    

The Love of God

    Even through trials and times that try the soul God gives little touches of His love. Little glimpses that give comfort to our hearts. Inspirations that give fresh courage and a will to go on. A church sister's help, a husband's strength and wisdom and unflinching faith, all these are gifts from God and His love.
    Thank-you Jesus for:

1. Jolene's safe return.
2. Giving Debbi a rainbow last night.
3. For Vera and her help with the prayer sister supper. Bless her.
4. For knowing you alone are God.
5. For a beautiful evening and very bright, big moon.
6. For the trail on which Debbi and I took a walk tonight.
7. For honeysuckle which scented the air.
8. For sleep.
9. For Your gentle presence.
10. For deliverence.

Malaise

    Today was a day of slight depression as Jerry gave the meaning of malaise, probably due to weariness. Wept last night as the sorrow over a troubled soul swept over me. The harm that is done to children and the chains that then encase them is awful to behold.
    A brother in the Lord gave me fresh courage and hope. His faith was inspiring. There was no doubt, only calm confidence that the oppressed can be set free, through Jesus our deliverer. He said by the blood of the Lamb and by the Word of our testimony we can be set free and how important it is for the oppressed one to speak the truth.
    Tonight I spent time with my roses. Clipping, pruning, spraying and fertilizing. They seem to like this cooler spring.
    Thankful for:

1. Roses
2. Stacie and her funny antics, and for her faith that help is on the way in the spiritual world.
3. That Debbi only had to work till one, leaving more time for her other job, and time to go visit friends.
4. That Jolene is planning to come home tomorrow.
5. For the plenteous rain.
6. For encouraging words from friends.
7. That this was Chris's last day in a very annoying job.
8. That Jerry has a house to build.
9. For Jerry's succinct advice.
10. That the Enemy and his hosts are NOT all-powerful.

May our lives have an impact on the evil around us. May we be not on the defensive but on the offensive. May we advance as Joshua did, always in obedience to our Lord.

Blessed

    Felt very blessed today. Joy and peace were my companions. Jesus seemed near as I mowed lawn. Was grateful for His presence.
    There are days when He seems to give an extra grace. Maybe it is because He sees we need it. Maybe because we have been living more sacrificially than usual. Or maybe because we have just been doing His will. Whatever it is, it is to be treasured. May I live in a way that would invite His presence.
    He is my Rock, my Fortress, my strong Tower. Jesus is my Healer and my All in All. Again I proclaim Him as Lord of Lords and King of kings.
    

Beset but Not Deterred

     A day of keeping on, was today. I decided at the outset this morning that the Enemy was not going to make me change my plans for today. We are in a battle, yet life and daily duties go on. The amazing thing was that as I went I had grace and strength. How gracious is our Lord. I got more done than I usually do.
Thankful for:

1. Strawberries picked and worked up.
2. Strawberry ice cream stirred up and ready to be frozen.
3. A friend (Jane) to go with to do the picking.
4. Stacie's willingness to take my cleaning job today.
5. Brandon eliminating the last howling cat. (that kept me up half the night)
6. AIR CONDITIONING!
7. "In the hands of the Redeemer nothing is wasted." This phrase was in the song "Nothing is Wasted" by Jason Grey, that Jerry had me listen to.
8. Jolene is coming home soon!!
9. Strawberry shortcake.
10. The privilege of working in God's kingdom. Thank-you Lord.

     He is faithful. He is just. He is merciful. He is King of kings and Lord of lords no matter what the battle, no matter what the struggle, and no matter how tired we get. We can believe, we can trust and we can rest.
     There is a reason for this proclaiming. Pray for us.

Day One of Week Seven

     How is the fast going? Is it horribly tempting? Is it having good effects?
     Let me see...I think it is going OK. It is not horribly tempting but it is tempting at times. Yes, there are good effects.
     I am reading too much. (I got some books at a sale) Confession.
     Some more good effects are more visiting and talking is going on in our house, I am more open to doing things that are unusual for me.
     About watching movies, shows, etc. I am wondering if I really want to go back to it after a year. Somehow I have my doubts. One thing that really gave it a death blow was finding out that an actress that I really liked, I found out has been a lesbian for years. It was, with all the stuff I already knew, like the cup of iniquity was full and running over and I felt a repugnance for the whole thing, almost a nausea. I am wondering if it would not be a mistake to override that feeling.
     After writing this many posts I am wondering if I am starting to repeat myself. If I am, I apologize.

Having Confidence

    Tonight I am so very grateful for the confidence we can have in Jesus. His finished work on the cross and the resurrection. The work is accomplished. We can rest in that. The victory is won! Praise the Lord.
    I am washed in the blood of the Lamb. My sins are whiter than snow. I am a new creation. I am a child of God.
    Jesus is Lord! He is King of kings and Lord of lords. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
    The battle is won. We can believe and walk in it. Oh, make us strong warriors in your kingdom in these last days. Help us to be Joshuas. Help us to be bold for You and love not our lives but be ready to give it for Your sake.

Reaping

     "You reap what you sow." Sobering words. Am I sowing what I want to reap? What do I want to reap? LIFE! Wholesomeness, Wholeness, Health, Peace, Joy. These are some of what I want to reap. Also godliness, a more temperate walk, holiness, devoutness, gentleness, meekness.
      I thought maybe with my last blogs I might have given some wrong impressions. I have been in what I might call a spiritual battle not related to what I was writing about. I am not free to write what it is but reading the Word of God aloud and standing firm seems key. I was reading out of Joshua last night and it struck me how often the Lord says for him to be strong and courageous.
      Now back to the first paragraph, what do I sow to reap those things?

Plodding On

     Plodded through today with little vigor. The morning was spent cleaning a mostly clean house with Stacie. Their two cats kept us entertained or at least me, Stacie refrained from killing them. We both got grumpy when we were cleaning the bathroom with their two litter boxes in it.
     Brandon came home sick. Seems there is a flu making its rounds. Duh. Felt the pull to watch something when Stacie told me what he was watching. (Don't ask me what it was.) Actually the pull was not that strong, thankfully. I did convince Jerry to spend time with me tonight as I was feeling lonely. The young folks were all at a gathering somewhere. We have to start practicing for when our children are gone. We used to watch movies together on the weekend evenings. Now we have to rethink that. Thankfully, Jerry is open to it.
     Feel like I am entering new territory in more than one way. Joshua comes to mind. Lord, give me the courage and faith needed for this.
     The Word of God is clean and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword.
      May I remember that in Him the victory is already won. May I walk with a calm assurrance.
    
   
    

Battle Day Two

    The day started with a time with the Lord out on our front porch. The Lord ministered to my heart so gently. I was rereading the beginning of The Bondage Breaker trying to prepare for our study group. It again touched me.
     I did not have much on the agenda for today so called Melissa to see if we could help with the house somehow. There was not really anything to do so I decided to call Jane and see if she would like to ride the trail. Yay! She did and we did. Very enjoyable. I drove over a snake. I thought it was a green twig but then it started wiggling and I shrieked. :) After Stacie picked us up, we picked up sandwiches at McDonalds and went to Sweet Frog. After that, home, a cold shower, and a nap.
      I woke with a headache this morning and pretty much lived on tylenol and aspirin today but made it through. The headache is back since watching the softball game. Really am ready to feel good.
      Question for today: How do you do battle for someone else?

Battle

     Writing these blogs is a chore. Like my son said, "I don't want to write. I am tired of writing. I have written many times lately!" Anyway, getting up early was my first offensive this morning. Made a good breakfast, second offensive. Put supper in the crockpot, third offensive. Fourth spent time exercising. Fifth and sixth went out and mowed lawn and got some sun at the same time. That is about the size of it. Did not do all that I was going to in my battle but did some things I was not going to.
     Wellness is still illusive. Felt nauseous while mowing the lawn, etc. Stacie was wondering what is wrong with her back. I said I don't want to think anymore and we'll all just live until we die.
     My prayer for tonight: Lord, help me to walk in your presence. Help me to think on you and your will during my day. Let me be quiet in your presence and learn of you. Let me praise you and live in thankfulness. You are above all these petty troubles, You have perspective and know what is best. In Jesus' name.
    My confession for tonight: I am not spending time in prayer. I am not reading my Bible and inspirational books. Not good.
    

The Fast Goes On

    I am not particularly pleased with my life right now. Feeling draggy, sleepy and fatigued takes its toll. Chris (our son) wanted me to go to the Doctor so he would know what is wrong with us. He is not feeling good either. We compared symptoms and they are alike for the most part. We hope (devoutly) it is not allergies. Allergies in Virginia are murder. Whatever it is I am ready (I think) to do battle. I feel annoyed.
    Today I did not do battle. I read a book.
    I will not reveal my battle plans. I do not want to be ambushed. When I am already engaged in the battle I might reveal them.

Forgiveness

     I was reading the verses under forgiveness in Nave's Topical Bible, and am again struck with how God loves mercy, even in the Old Testament.
     "Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth; Say not, I will do so to him as he hath done to me; I will render to the man according to his work." Proverbs 24:17, 29
      "If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink; For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the Lord shall reward thee." Proverbs 25:21,22
      "Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21
      I wondered if doing a good deed for someone who has wronged you might help you to forgive. Overcoming evil with good takes faith.
      Forgiveness is essential to the Christian faith. Yet, sometimes it takes time to actually come to it. God does not seem too worried about this as long as we do come to it. Sometimes it seems easier when you are actually in contact with the person, then other times maybe when the wounds are deepest it takes time and space. God knows our frame, He knows our heart. How comforting that is! We must always remember that this mercy He is requiring from us originates with Him. We can extend mercy to an enemy (someone we would naturally hate), we can forgive through His help and grace.
    
     
   

The Body

    I have been thinking how there is healing in the body, in our natural bodies as well as in a body of believers. When we get injured usually our body heals itself. I think we often do not realize that there is a very important reason why we are supposed to go to church and meet regularly with believers. One of them is healing. There is healing in a healthy body of believers. I see someone like my youngest brother who is still to some degree stuck back when things fell apart in a church. He was young and hurt by it and quit going to church. I was amazed some years ago at how fresh those wounds still were for him. Things I had long forgotten, he remembered vividly. I look at him as a badly wounded Christian who could find healing and restoration in a healthy congregation.
    A lot of us have been involved in very painful, hurtful situations but we move on and keep going to church (maybe not the same church) and we heal. Gradually healing takes place and suddenly you realize that things no longer ouch.
    Thank-you Lord, for the healing in your body.

A Story

     Today I will tell the story of yesterday at my husband's demand. I was standing in the checkout line bent over with fatigue, leaning on the cart. When the elderly lady in front of me started to unload her groceries, I noticed it seemed hard for her, so I asked if I could help her. She gratefully accepted. While I was unloading mine, I heard her say to the checkout lady that she was ninety-two and her husband was ninety-four. She asked the checkout lady if someone could help her load her groceries into her vehicle, she said her back bothers her. The checkout girl said yes, asking for someone on her intercom.She told the lady she could wait right there until someone came.
     During this time I loaded my groceries and as she bagged them started loading them into my cart. The elderly lady had thanked me again and was still waiting. When I was finishing up I told the checkout lady, who was about to call again, that I would help her as I was going out anyway. They both agreed so out we went. As we went I told her that I hope I am in as good shape as she is when I am her age. She was surprisingly spry and did not look ninety-two.
     It turned out she was driving a truck! I helped her load her stuff into the back, putting some stuff in a cooler. She was so appreciative and blessed me and gave me a hug before she left.
     My husband says no good deed goes unpunished. So it seems. As I was unloading my groceries I noticed I had forgotten about the cards under my purse in the cart and had not paid for them. Wearily I finished unloading, locked the vehicle, trudged back in to Wal-mart and paid for the cards. Nevertheless I considered it a blessing to help the elderly lady and counted it a privilege.
     If no good deed goes unpunished, there also seems to be a reward. Later after I took a nap I felt much better and no more depression.

Better

     Again very draggy and sleepy until after a late nap, when I felt more like myself again.
     This brings up the question: how much impact does doing what you ought to do when you ought to do it, and while you are doing it and have the chance to help someone else and even though you feel yucky you offer to help and do so when the offer is accepted plus more when you see it is needed....How much does this affect you? The reason I ask is, there was really no reason for me to feel better after this nap as I didn't after the others. The depression lifted and I felt much more myself. Could it be because I did what I needed to do when it needed to be done even though not feeling at all like it? Then when the opportunity to help someone presented itself I took the step and offered and so on. It makes me wonder..
     Help me to press through more often and not give in to feelings. I want to live by Your will not by my feelings.

Roughest Day Yet

    As the title says this was the hardest day to date. Depressed, no energy, feel like crying, and bluer than blue. I think maybe I am sick. I had a sore throat before this past weekend but just ignored it. Now my throat just kinda feels swollen so maybe I have the flu or something. Whatever it is, I am not enjoying it. Of course, when I feel this way, I want to turn on some comedy of some kind to take my mind off my troubles. I went out and mowed lawn instead thinking the sun might help (yes, it was actually shining) but it did not. Oh, I forgot the other symptom. I feel like sleeping and sleeping and I know I am caught up with my sleep, so tiredness haunts every step. Anyway, suffice it to say, it was an accomplishment to get through today and not give in to temptation. You know the thoughts that come when you have embarked on a journey: "This is stupid, think how much better you would feel if you watched something" (and the thing is I probably would have right then), "maybe you should just stop, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."
     Let's see what am I thankful for: nothing, well yes, I am when I really think about it, so here goes:

1. Green eggs and ham (humor)
2. Biking journal (Ed Devlin's)
3. Softball (which I want to go watch one of these evenings)
4. Tiredness (Bible says to be thankful for everything)
5. Depression and blueness (learning that God is even there)
6. Energetic Debbie and her exercising (inspiring)
7. Love songs that Jerry has me listen to
8. The depletion of the cat population
9. Chai tea
10. For what I got done today

    

One Month

     This is the one month anniversary of when I started this viewing fast. Today was also a day of temptation. I wanted to watch something, anything after work. I took a nap instead. More beneficial, you say, maybe, but I still wanted to watch something. I did other things that needed doing instead. I wanted to go bird watching but rain discouraged that.
     Jerry gave me some words to think on last night. How that the battles that we have are to bring us closer to God. Even when the battle is long and hard and the victory seems unreachable. He wants us to appreciate His love and mercy, His power and grace. He wants us to believe and let Him in to our darkest rooms, our hardest problems, our fiercest battles.
     Defeat or not being able to overcome is not God's fault. We do not understand how to apply God's principles or how to live it out and usually go into law. The provision has been made. Now it is up to us to seek, knock and believe and even as the case may be battle. By the way, I am speaking to myself and still very much learning.
    

Day Two Week Five

     My brain feels frazzled tonight. Many demands on my time this week. My thanks for the evening:

1. For Stacie being finished with her first year of college.
2. For Melissa graduating from nursing school.
3. For cleaning jobs.
4. For laundry.
5. For bedding.
6. For leftovers.
7. For strawberries! (which I hope to pick soon)
8. For young love, outside, standing by the vehicle. :)
9. For grandchildren (of which I have none) on which I wait very patiently.
10. For the coolest spring I ever had while living here (VA).

My blessing for this evening: May we find answers to our hard questions, through His grace and mercy. May we overcome where we need to overcome through the power of the Holy Spirit. And may the blood of Jesus cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Believing always that He is able to deliver and not to quit knocking and seeking. Amen.

Day One of Week Five

    Today was one of those blue, cloudy Mondays. Felt the depression or oppression descend this morning so I spent some time looking up some Bible verses Jerry had given me. Tears ran down my face as I read through them. Psalms 139 especially ministered to me.
    Feel like I did not accomplish much today so let's see. Well, saw my parents off this morning, got some loads of laundry done (more to do), most of the house is straightened, (we had lovely company over the weekend), baked cookies, took two naps (adrenalin now past), spent time with Debbie, spent time in prayer with Stacie, talked on the phone with my two sisters, made a room for Debbie with Chris's help and visited with my tired husband at supper (no, I did not make supper, too many left overs). I think I will go rest my head now.

Almost a Month

     The fast continues. The first month is almost up. The blessings of it continue. Being with people and spending time with them talking and visiting is one of my favorite things. When the compulsion to watch something haunts you, you have a tendency to cut things short. You also think you cannot relax unless watching something. Not seeing things through when the way gets rough is another fruit. Neglect of duty and neglect to the people around you are also part of it.
     May my paths be straightened and rough places be made smooth.

Family

    Tonight I am most thankful for family. It is so lovely to have so many loved ones. I get more and more thankful for it as I get older.
    There are so many broken families and families who do not really love each other. Where there are people there can and will be friction at times but when we want to get along and work at loving one another the rewards are so great.
     Godly parents who love the Lord are such a help towards a family getting along with each other. I am so thankful for both sets of parents, all our siblings and in laws, the nieces and nephews and their spouses and friends.
     For Chris our oldest son who played the piano so well today.
     For Brandon our second child who turned twenty-five today.
     For Jolene our first daughter and her appreciation for beauty.
     For Stacie our last child who lives life to the fullest.
     For Melissa, Brandon's wife who has become a precious part of our family.
     Thank-you Lord for all these precious people and bless them as they go. Also for the new member of the family Christopher Troyer who is now married to niece Beth. May their marriage be blessed.

Fasting Effects

     I am more and more pleased with the results of this fast. I see more perseverance, more ability to finish things, more concentration and more enjoyment of my family.
     Watching things is like a constant distraction if you have an undue attraction to it, which I do. It clogs your brain and distracts you from what needs to be done even if you are not watching anything. Not watching something and not even being able to is very freeing.
     I realized also that I am not playing settlers on line either since before I started this fast. I used to play it when I had to put up my foot but after we were at Bible school I did not return to it. That was a time waster too, of course, and had somewhat the same effect as watching things.
    May the good grow greater. May new and invigorating paths be trod. And may I be willing to explore them. Amen.

The Power of Love

     Love's keeping power is amazing. When going through a terribly hard time, the fact that my husband did love me was part of the reason I stayed. Love will keep you from making mistakes that ruin your life.
     Being loved and wanted is most precious.  It gives a sense of well being, a sense of worth. Love is the oil that heals and soothes the troubled heart. It promotes health and wholesomeness. It gives the strength to keep going and not give up.
     When we love our children, we do what is best for them, how much more our Father in heaven for us. Spending time with someone is one of the best ways to love someone. Years ago, I would get irritated with someone and the Lord would prompt me to just go visit. So I would and about that quick the irritation would leave and love was there. Love takes action, sometime unaccompanied by feelings but they will follow.
     Love is the one thing we owe each other.

Good Practises

     I was thinking today how we get into bad habits and how you have to make an effort at quitting or forming new ones. Here are some I thought of:

1. Not to make negative comments about people.
2. Not to make false accusations.
3. Not to imagine grandiose things about yourself.
4. Not to think negative thoughts about yourself.
5. Not to make negative comments about yourself.
6. Don't be so sure you are right.
7. Don't have an opinion on everything.

These are all subtractions, now here are some things to practise or make a habit of:

1. Think thoughts of thankfulness and praise.
2. Speak with encouragement and kindness.
3. Speak the truth.
4. When you see something that needs doing, do it.
5. Lighten someone's load. When you see someone working pitch in and help, especially someone close to you.
6. Pray for people, etc. as you go through your day.
7. Memorize scripture when doing something boring.

 Sometimes just subtracting something helps get us out of our rut.