Christmas and Mixed Feelings

    There seemed to be more mixed feelings with Christmas this year than usual. I could not do my usual candy and food making which I missed. Our immediate family was scattered on actual Christmas Day. This is rather minor stuff but then there was more important stuff that we encountered. There is nothing quite like a family in harmony but when that harmony is broken it leaves some sadness. Thankfully there were times of good fellowship. I am more philosophical about such things now than when I was younger. I realize that healing can take place and relationships can be restored. Thank-you Jesus and may it be so in this one. Today with my side of the family here minus my two brothers and their families, I realized how much I appreciate that we can stop in the midst of games and visiting and pray for someone who needs it. Debi, if you are reading this, their prayers were heartfelt and earnest on your behalf. Another thing that caused mixed feelings is seeing Jerry's dad in Ohio moving so very slowly and haltingly. And hearing my dad tonight talk of having slight symptoms of cancer again. You hope against hope that it won't return and in the end you say "Not my will but Thine be done."
     I am grateful for the time of fellowship with Dales in Ohio. I am thankful for the time with Jerry's parents. I am thankful for John Yoders opening their home for us on Christmas day and learning the new game of fast rummy cube. :) For Jerry's mom who herself has no animals but feeds about four very large cats and puts grandson's dog in the garage so she'll be warm. We left early the day after Christmas and the four cats were lined up outside the sliding glass doors waiting for their food. That Mom and Dad could come down for this weekend. I treasure each moment with them. For the girls safe return from Illinois and that they had a good time. Thank-you to the Ron Kennel family.
     Lord, help us to be lights in this dark world. Help us to lift the hands that hang down, to praise you and magnify you. Help us to pierce the darkness. Show us how, teach us, oh Lord, I pray.

Liberty Verses Liberalism

    I am hibernating in my bedroom at the moment. Chris is having friends over to play games and my foot is out of commission. It takes about so much than that's it. Jerry is doing the weekly shopping because he does not think I should do it until my foot is better. Debi is still at work. And the girls are in Illinois.
    Worked today for five straight hours. When I saw the house my heart sank. I was actually not sure I could get it done in the allotted five hours and not sure if my foot would hold up for that amount of time to start with. The orthopedist really built my brace up so my foot gets really sore. I wore it until about ten thirty having gotten there at eight then took it off. What amazed me is how well it went after that. Maybe the sports therapist's work is already kicking in! Marvelous thought.
    I was going to go on a rant about liberalism, etc. but not sure if I want to now. Liberalism is so different from actual liberty it boggles the mind. When I think of liberty I think of fresh clean air and water clear as crystal. When I think of liberalism I think of fog, smog, stagnation and filth. Why is that? To be at liberty, freedom from fear, all kinds of fear. Free of bondage. Free of horrible, debilitating sin. Actual freedom to do God's will. Freedom to follow the Holy Spirit's gentle promptings. Liberalism, on the other hand, is always trying to free wickedness. Dabbling in all sorts of horrors. Creating all sorts of bondages. I am talking of secular liberalism here. I see it up close and personal. What blows my mind is they really don't like the results in their children. No, I guess what blows my mind is that it does not wake them up.
     More and more I see why it is so hard to be a Christian for many, many people. It is too simplistic. It gives answers, real concrete answers. You have to become as a little child, trusting, looking to the Father. You have to lay down that intellect, all that education and let God and scripture teach you things. It is a high price. And the scorn from your contemporaries would be intense. The teaching that it is complicated and that there are no answers will have to be forsaken. There are answers! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I am so happy about this. We can believe this. It is true. It is sad to me that the church has bought into that teaching. People can be set free! They do not have to be in a horrible struggle the rest of their life. They can live a life free of life altering fear, etc. What does the church have to offer if it can't help people to freedom. Yes, Jesus, certainly, but in Christ is all we need. Half the time we don't believe it or practice it. Talking to myself here.
     Now for another subject. The sports therapist said I need to lose weight. Jerry had some insight as to what I need to do. It is kinda (yeah, yeah I know it is not a word) like counting the cost. I need to let go mentally of food and maybe even mourn about it. He said if I can do it in my mind than all I have to do is implement it. I am trying to get a hold of this. If I go on this anti-inflammatory diet I will not be able to have Wendy's Bacon Portabella Melt so where is my black dress? I want to start on the diet on the first of January. Either that or start in gradually with just not eating any sweets and then progressing to more until I am on the complete plan. Any advice?
     Blessings: A whole week off. Yay! There were two dogs here. They were no longer here today. Two rooms full of young men laughing and talking. I am thankful that there are still a lot of people who stand for what is right. I am thankful for my husband. Just a note to us wives: We ought to be devoutly grateful if we have a good husband. Good-night.

Ramblings

     "Laughter doeth good like medicine." Stacie dancing with her music as she begins straightening up. Throwing away study papers since college is officially done for this semester. Yay! Giddiness has ensued as it ended. Now gift wrapping and packing will be worked on for their trip on Wednesday. Some has already been accomplished. True to form tempers have been a bit short preceding all the exams and for the one making most of her gifts. Hopefully, things can simmer down to a more calm state now. As much as our kids love Illinois and, or its people I start wondering if maybe we should follow them. :)
     Uh oh..there she goes again. A song came on that she really likes, evidently.
     The bird class is officially over. Exam today. Very easy and I missed one. We had to identify pictures of birds. My first response to one was a Ruddy Duck but I questioned it and changed it to a Bufflehead. First response was right. Anyway, I am inspired to do more birding, get my life list under way and keep yearly lists.
      Stacie convinced me today not to go into medical transcription. Her reasoning: Sitting at a computer for hours at a time will drive me nuts. And she wants a mom for the next year or so. Very glad I did not go ahead and pay for the training. She knows me well.
      Sharp shooting pains have been going up my shin. Slightly frightening and makes me wonder what now?! I am without my brace until tomorrow sometime. Can't figure out if the shooting pains are coming because of damage the brace has done to my shin or what. Anyway, life goes on more or less. Am really curious what the sports therapist is going to say on Wednesday.
       I am weary of being hampered in doing what needs doing. Cooking, cleaning, just walking across the room is a challenge. This is the time of year when I like to cook, make candy, bake, shop, etc. and none of that is going swimmingly.
       The new year draws near. Quietly contemplating how to start out this next year and what I would like to accomplish. I would like to live a more orderly life. Not sure if I am capable of it but would like to try. I could use some pointers. The problem is I get bored with routine, seriously bored. Maybe I should just accept it. At the same time there is benefit in routine. I see it in the cleaning jobs we do. You have a routine, things go much faster and more efficiently. People mess with the routine and it slows everything down. The primary thing I want to work on is this foot. I would even like to go on an anti-inflammatory diet, just to see if it would help. And lose weight, of course. My Waterloo. I have started exercising again and want to continue. Another thing that I have started on is making a graph or time line or whatever you call it for the generations in the Bible. It has been niggling at me so I finally started the other night. I know I could probably buy one off the internet but am interested in doing it myself. I would also like to take a computer class sometime so that when they start acting up, I can fix it. Wouldn't that be nice?!
       My ramblings will draw to a close with thanksgiving. I am thankful that my foot is not worse than it is. I am thankful that God cares about the little things along with the big things. (In a very full parking lot He emptied one close to the entrance of the mall, I could have wept.) I am thankful that Kingsley had a cancelation this morning so that Debi could get her eyes checked. I am thankful that Stacie could help me with the cleaning job this morning and tomorrow morning. I am thankful that Debi made supper. All these blessings and many more too numerous to mention, I am grateful for. God is good.
     
     

When Hope Comes Knocking

    Hope came knocking on my door and changed my outlook. It came from a facebook friend. Sending me a private message with name and phone numbers to a sports therapist, it was like a shot in the arm only better. I called him and my first visit is scheduled for next Wednesday. Yay!
    Today I saw the orthepedic Doctor and he took my brace to revamp it. I should have it back by Tuesday. He is on our side about the surgery. He said he has seen too many of those that did not work out well. The problem now is how to get by until Tuesday afternoon. I have to work both Monday and Tuesday forenoons so am trying to figure out how to get by with it since taking off is not really going to make some people happy. (Not a good sentence but I don't feel like changing it.)
     I have studied for my final on Monday. Hopefully, I will ace it. Our last birdwatching class. Almost feel sad. I have enjoyed it and will watch my chance to learn more.
     Right now I am contemplating taking training to become a medical transcriptionist. I just don't want to spend the money for the training if it is not going to work. I think it might be a bit easier on the feet but then I worry that I won't get enough exercise. yadayadayada....
      Thank-you Lord, for fresh hope. Thank-you for leading a friend to read my post and give me info I needed. God is good all the time!

Feeling Low

    The Doctor is sure that I need to have surgery on my foot. I am pretty much determined that I don't and so is Jerry. The Doctor did admit that the exrays were not as bad as he had feared. That was good news to me. He still wants me to take the MRI but Jerry and I are not feeling it. :) I still have an appointment with the orthepedic Doctor to look at the brace on Friday. The hard part is the pain. I am feeling panicky. What am I going to do? We did two jobs today and by the end of the second one, walking was torture. This thought goes over and over through my mind, "What am I  going to do?" I did have it annointed and prayed for when we were in PA last weekend. I need a miracle. I can't even imagine being pain free.
     At the same time I am being tempted with watching things too block out the pain and sorrow. I'll try to describe what happens now and again. I can almost imagine what a person addicted to drugs or alcohol goes through. I am sure it is lots worse along with physical symptons as well but the excitement of doing it again sometimes hits me. Almost like a fix or needing a fix. It shows me that in some ways I have lived my life like an addict. Facing problems has never been my strong point. Blocking things out by some form of entertainment, reading or eating has been pretty much my way of dealing with things. Breaking away from this is not easy. May the overcoming power of the Holy Spirit help me reach the other side of this.

Doctor, Foot, and Bad News

     After not being able to walk when I arrived at Wal-mart on Tuesday, I came home and made two appointments and was working on more. One with my foot Doctor and one with the one who is the brace specialist and the other one I was trying to make was with a massage therapist in hopes she could help it. The appointment with my foot Doctor was today. Not good. He took exrays and wants me to get an MRI in Charlottesville. He thinks the about the only option left is operate and fuse bones, etc. Major surgery and ten weeks off my feet. I told him my kids suggested amputation, he laughed and said, "Tell them to try it first." Then he said, "No, you would have to take care of them." Anyway, I was expecting a major plummeting of spirits on the way home but somehow it did not happen. I feel quite calm about it right now. Also neither Jerry nor I are ready to accept that diagnosis. I want to be annointed and prayed for, maybe this weekend when at Dads. I will go ahead as each step comes but am praying that the MRI will show no tears or fluid, etc. in the tendon. If it shows the tendon is only inflamed and not ruined I want to ask him about other options. I had tried laser and it seemed to help up to a point but then not so much.
     I have been thinking about the verse that talks about we women not being afraid with sudden fear but to be like Sarah who called Abraham, Lord. To be calm and quiet on the inside and not be stressed or fearful. Do I have faith or not? Am I trusting? I have been very convicted about how stressed I am. How easily I get ruffled and upset. My prayer continues: Lord, make me the woman and wife my husband needs. Somehow I have more faith and trust when I pray this than when I try to figure out how to become a better person.
     I have not written about the grief that dear people are going through. My thoughts and prayers have been much with them and we will be traveling to PA for the funeral. The weather does not look too promising but I am not complaining. I have been longing for colder weather as warm and humid with slow moving flies in December is not my kind of weather. My prayer has been for all the heartache and sorrow that different people are going through, that if the enemy meant it for evil that our Lord would work it for good, that the enemy might be confounded.
     "God is good, His mercy brightens all the paths in which we move." Thank-you Jesus even those paths are hard.

Sad Day

     This has been a sad day. Someone losing their baby one week before it was due. A facebook friend I barely know whose son was shot. Praying the Lord would minister to all the people involved.

      We had a lovely Thanksgiving. All were young folks except Jerry and I. It was not until evening when things had quieted down that I missed my family. I made too much food as usual. Some came in handy but the pumpkin pies did not get eaten so I have to rethink some of this food making.

       Am very blue about my foot tonight. It is exceedingly painful. Not sure where it will all end.

       The fast is continuing but it is very trying right now. VERY TRYING! I would like nothing better than to drown my sorrows in some good comedy. The other day I reminded myself of a dry drunk. A dry drunk is someone who is no longer drinking but is horribly miserable because of it. Discouragement just calls for relief. I want to be an overcomer. May God show me the way.    

Poisoning and Chonda

     Cold weather is here again. Am trying to get the laundry done in case of ice and lack of electricity. Tired and grouchy or more like grim and gloomy is my mood right now. Wish it would leave. Maybe I should be poisoned again. Last week one night I could not sleep so Jerry offers me sleeping pills. I did not really want to but he thought I should so I did. The next morning I feel like death. (Why do I say this? Who knows what death feels like but someone who actually died?) Let us just say I felt rotten. I shuffle up to the girls' room, ask Stacie whether she can do the cleaning job for that day. She says she can and I go back to bed with the worst headache and nausea I have had in a while. It took all day to get over it. Jerry thinks it might have been the sleeping pills so checks the expiration date and it is 2008. I said, "I was being poisoned in my own house and by my own husband." Grin. The pills reside here no more.
     Stacie and I went to hear Chonda Pierce on Friday night. Enjoyed it very much. She had an Australian singer with her that took part in the show. At one point she said to him, "You don't have a president do you?" He said, "No. We have a prime minister." She said, "Do you want ours?" After intermission she did more just ministry and went a half hour over time. We would be in tears one minute and laughing the next. She really brought out how you should keep your friendships and family relationships up so that when they pass away, you have no regrets. Very poignant.
     She also shared how her dad was a minister while being abusive in more than one respect to his girls. The hypocrisy and faking that went on for the sake of the church did so much more harm than good. Then Stacie tells me of this preacher she heard in Illinois who with devastating frankness shared how at the height of his ministry God impressed on his heart that he needs to take a six month sabbatical which he finally did. During that time he started seeing the pride in his life and the people he worked with started telling him what they saw in his life and he said it stank. Then Stacie tells me how good the meetings were with this preacher. Two very different pictures.
      I have been hoping this fast would grow into more fasting of sorts or perhaps just the strength to be more moderate in some respects. It seems to be maybe, possibly doing this. Will keep you posted.

Insects and Meltdowns

Greetings!
    Warmer weather was greeted by ladybugs and sluggish flies. Does anyone else hate, absolutely hate flies in November? Or December for that matter? A pet peeve of mine.
     I stayed home from church today due to several meltdowns yesterday (I am sure noone else has meltdowns) and waking up with a headache, etc. at four a.m. I got up then and drank my kefir and made the casserole for the carry-in at church then went back to bed or rather the recliner. At six still feeling icky I got up and did some clean up in the kitchen and made coffee and oatmeal. My headache meal is oatmeal, no milk with honey and unsweetened applesauce, if the headache is a scorcher I don't even add the honey. Then hit the recliner again. I groggily slept through much of the morning then people began getting up. They were very quiet so I continued snoozing, waking about a half hour before they left or maybe it was an hour. Anyway, I felt better so continued with getting ready for the day, briefly contemplated going to church late, decided my frail nervous system couldn't take it and hit the recliner again. Could not sleep so eventually decided the state of the house was getting on my last nerve so started some clean up procedures.
     Some new observations on this fast: I get flashbacks of movies I've seen. Always something that traumatized me and at very random times. I have started asking the Lord's forgiveness for watching them and asking his blood to cleanse me from these scenes. Also, now is entering the hard part. The evenings are long and dark and the kids are watching Leverage which is quite tempting. I have a special weakness for good dialogue and this show has that.
     I am contemplating taking another college class after this semester is over. Jolene wants me to take Ethics with her and Stacie which is also with the same professor. I am tempted to as I am curious what he will say but don't know if it will work out especially with my jobs.
     Bedtime.

Two Days

     My therapy is complete. Feeling rather blue this morning when Stacie and I came home from work, I decided mowing the lawn and raking leaves would be cheering. (An arm has been waking me and keeping me awake at night and my foot is not too great.) It was lovely but I kept wondering how I was going to complete the task without help so when Stacie came home I asked her to call Jerry and ask if they could come early and help me remove the piles of leaves. She gave the message to Chris and soon here comes Jerry. Joy! His tallness and long arms make him perfect for carrying a king size sheet full of leaves plus it was fun to do it together. Chris was muttering about leaves but when he came home and saw the lawn he was impressed.
     The cool weather is just down my alley. It invigorates me. It feels more festive than warm weather.
     Yesterday was a day that was only appreciated when it was done. The first job Jolene and I went to, I did not charge enough which makes me feel crumby. This job has three large dogs that can go in and out at will. The amount of dirt they bring in is phenomenal. We mop the floors every week and the next time it is brown with dirt again. Oh well..I surprised the the owner because the grouchy one of the lot seems to like me now. I decided being friends with a guard dog is a good idea. Besides grouchy animals are more fun to befriend.
     After lunch Jolene and I took off to the next house to clean. We were alone which was a plus. On the other hand she wanted the cupboards polished with furniture polish. Jolene starts on them and soon sees the futility of this and asks if she can wash them first. I inspect and concur. The next thing I know she has a hairpin out and is scratching at the crevices. I ask if that is really necessary, she thinks it is. I decide to help with the washing and it takes a while as they are gunky. Finally when this long job is done we leave the house to find two deer staring at us from the lawn so we chat with them until they decide to leave the two loony ladies. Riding down the very long lane, more deer cross our path making me jittery.
     When we get home I ensconce my self on the love seat foot propped high and read. I decided not to move for at least two hours hoping to get my foot to simmer down. Jerry comes home, hears me groaning, starts massaging my foot and I hit the roof. This causes him to lift up his voice, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET THAT BRACE CHECKED OUT??" This is not the first time he has said this obviously since his patience is giving out. This starts me laughing and howling because he is still massaging my foot. Later in the kitchen the girls are being goofy and Jerry objects saying they should calm down as soon it will be bed time. (It is not even close to bedtime.) Jolene enters and drop kicks Stacie's soup that she is about to put in the microwave spiraling into the air gracefully and splats onto the floor. Jerry says, "See what comes of all this foolishness!" I hear nothing still in the living room. And then Jolene comes in bent double laughing so hard she is barely making sense. And then Stacie says, "That was my supper!" But as she is telling me what happened she starts laughing too.
      On Monday we as a birding class get to go to Buggs Island. I am really looking forward to this and am hoping for cooperating weather and lots of new birds. The professor of this class sat down right in front of me last Monday and says, So, I was in this store and see this row of books. The author was Jerry Eicher." I said, "Uh oh." He goes on, "I pick one up, read on the back, Jerry married to Tina lives near Farmville, has four children. This can't be a coincidence." I agree it isn't. Then he said, "Stacie never said a word!" She has been in one of his classes last year already. He decides he wants to buy some of Jerry's books for his Mom and says he is going to read one.
      I will now sign off as this lengthy bit of nonsense has gone to greater lengths than I thought it would.

His Presence

     What happens when we come into the presence of the Lord? Weeping, repentance, joy? "In His presence is fullness of joy." Believing, believing what He has provided for us. Believing who we are in Christ. This makes me weep. All that He has provided. Too seldom do I meditate on this, too seldom do I let it break my heart.
      Curiosity can keep us from the simple joys of life. This was made very real to me this morning. The internet is a huge trap in this area and makes it far to easy to go after it. I was checking out a certain church's services and realized it really was not doing me any good or drawing me any closer to God. Plus I had other duties to perform. I shut down the computer and looked out onto our deck and there was a yellow-rumped warbler. Joy came to me then. I realized I need to live where I am at without too much concern or curiosity about other places and people. In other words, mind my own business.
       I am thankful for the joy of a quiet day. For peace. For a husband that brings me a book I like from the library. For a son that can make a yummy cheesecake. For two girls that are far away in Illinois visiting friends and a boyfriend. I am thankful that I will be a grandma soon. I am thankful for Debi who was remembering the first time she was in our house and telling me how scared she was. I am thankful for a God who can change lives so dramatically that what was before seems far away. I am thankful for the birding class I am taking along with Stacie and a church friend, Joy. I am deeply thankful for God's provision and blessing.
      My prayer: Lord, help us weak, inconsistent, and sorry people to live in your presence. Help us to take the time to spend with you alone. Oh Lord, draw us. You know how easily we push things off or put things in your place. Help us to tear down our idols and serve only you. Help us to become a praying people. Let our love for each other be without pretence. Help us to forgive offenses quickly and not become bitter. Help us remember how very much we are forgiven by you, Lord. Help us walk in the fear of you and not in the fear of man. May our lives be lived in such a way as brings glory to you. In Jesus name.

Seeking...

     The fast continues. There are things brewing in my head. I would like to add to my fast or practice more fasting in some other areas. Also practice more good things such as not criticizing, etc. The lifting my heart to Him practice is much more easily neglected than I anticipated. This is one that I want to continue working on, receiving life from Him as I go through my day. To live in it and walk in it. Praying is another one that has been niggling at me. To pray for people, to intercede for them. I need to be more intentional about it.
      Reliance on God and the realization that we can do nothing without Him, is something I have been meditating on. How if God does not show up, the thing you are trying to do is for naught. Is my reliance on God of such a nature that when I see He is not in something, do I stop doing it? Am I even aware when He is not in something? Even in setting someone free, there is no way freedom is accomplished without Him. But if He shows up...Praise God! The calm confidence and faith that His way works, I do not have to force anything. Thank-you Jesus for peace.

Do I Have Anything To Say?

     There will be no stress in heaven. No tiredness. No dejection. No wondering if it's worth it? No wondering what illness will hit next. No tension that you could cut with a knife. No boredom unless we have been filling our minds with so much entertainment that the bread of life no longer satisfies and then I wonder if we will make it in or if we will have to be reprogrammed. What will sports watchers do in heaven? What will TV watchers do? I am just asking and wondering. What will music listeners do when they hear the beautiful music of heaven? Will they be able to enjoy it? I wonder.
      Am I laying up treasures in heaven? Am I doing down here that which will transfer easily to the heavenly realm? Am I loving those nearest to me? Do I live in thankfulness; grateful for each gift however small? Does my faith live and breathe, can it be seen? Am I overcoming? Do I overcome the temptation to be jealous? Do I overcome the depression that wants to knock on my door? Do I overcome the temptation to be lazy? Am I overcoming the evil that comes my way?
      I am reminded again of what has been blessing me lately. Our spirit cannot live without life from above. It must have life. I have been just lifting my heart to God whenever I think of it. There is faith involved in this, believing that God is there waiting to give as I lift my heart to Him. I do not demand anything just what ever He deems good. Knowing that what ever He gives me of His life is more than enough. This takes practice. I just realized again right now how often I forget. I want to come to the place where it will be just second nature to lift my heart to Him every few minutes. To walk with Him...in His presence. Could there be a more blessed place?

    Many things run through my mind. Not sure what to share and what not to. Feel like I have been through the wringer. The pressures of life that purify the soul, hopefully.
    The fast continues. Another fruit of this fast is that my song came back. I started waking with a song on my heart. I gave a testimony to this in church which I knew was dangerous. And sure enough the song is struggling. It is still the truth and I am clinging to it. I seldom give testimony but when God gives the words I endeavor obedience.
    The bird watching class is going well. I rather marveled today at all I had learned so far. We had our first test and it went well for most of us. I made a stupid mistake which galls me but humiliation is good for the soul. I was trying to remember all the eastern and northerns in some of the birds' names and for some reason when it came to the blue jay my brain let me down. I could not remember if there was an eastern in front of it or not, so I put it on. Bleh!
    The girls and I have eight house cleaning jobs now. All except two are every other week. I go to each one and one of the girls helps me with most of them. I have been wondering what is too busy? I am grateful for the work and that I get to work with the girls. I don't think we are over doing it yet and things have slowed down a bit now so we are getting a chance to breathe.
    Another fruit I just thought of is not being so much of a procrastinator. I find myself doing things a lot more promptly.
    Now for pain. Pain and sorrow. Today I felt a sorrow down to my bones that I did not know the exact cause or reason for. I wonder why. What do I do with it? Do I automatically assume that something is wrong or do I try to make it go away? I can not block it with movies or shows nor do I want to. If this sorrow is from God then let me bear it with grace and patience. If this sorrow is because something is wrong or out of place in my life let my eyes be opened. Somehow help me to walk in your ways as I am surrounded by people.
    

Half Way

    I realized tonight that I am over half way through this year of fasting. I still view it as a good thing and very beneficial. I went onto Netflix one day to help one of the children with something and was utterly repulsed by it. The reaction was very strong. It showed me how hardened we get. If we are not exposed to stuff like that and are living godly, there is a very natural abhorrence to it.
    I am still meditating on what I want to do when the year is up. I would like the path to be clear.
    The thing of wanting to block out thoughts by watching something is not really too bad. That is in my opinion one of the biggest temptations to watch things is not wanting to think. Maybe there are discouraging thoughts knocking at the door or maybe things that want to trouble you or fears. Frankly, I think it is a trick and an excuse. There are times when I would not mind blocking out things, especially discouragement, but not watching something is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. There are so many other things to do, if nothing else, talk or better yet listen to my family.
   
   

What A Day!

    The oppression was rather intense today. I got the distinct impression we were under attack. I am not sure if this is theologically correct as the devil is a roaring lion at all times. Either that or a defense was removed or breached. Either way Jerry and I annnointed and prayed over the whole house tonight, pleading the blood of Jesus and rebuking the evil one.
     A few more gray hairs were added to my head today. First a really rough morning at work both physically, mentally and spiritually. Then I was at home for a while and I hear a knocking. I come out and it is our neighbor saying something about his son sending him for Jerry and something about a girl. I finally realize he is saying there was a wreck and I realize all those sirens I had been hearing was from that. Jerry is not home so I say I will come right away and am thinking of Debi. I drive down to it (it is very close). Immediately realize it is not her car and am trying to figure out if the upside down car is Jolene's. Then I recognize it and I just fall apart right there. The car is a mess and in a field. The officers and our neighbor realize it is my daughter and our neighbor feels so bad. His son helps me down to Jolene who is strapped to a stretcher. She is fully awake and is trying to reassure me. She is taken to the hospital and has a cat scan and exrays. She is OK and we brought her home. Several people mentioned how lucky she was. No, not luck. It was the mercy and goodness of God.
     Temptations, sickness, dizziness, accidents (Jerry fell from a ladder), depression. Lord help us to be good soldiers in your army. Never giving an opening for the enemy, weathering attacks, not giving in, learning from our mistakes and being thankful for each blessing, each mercy bestowed on us. Help us to pray without ceasing, ever alert, ever watchful.
     I am thankful for the beautiful, magnificent sunset. Debi said it was like a promise. I am thankful for an alive and uninjured daughter. For good neighbors with compassionate hearts. I am thankful for the mercy and goodness of God.

Blessed Verses Happy

     Am I blessed? Yes. After tonight's sermon especially blessed. We miss ninety percent of God because we are not looking was one of his quotes. I believe this. He also said that people say blessed means happy, not so sure of this. It means more than being happy. One thing I thought of was a sense of well being or being taken care of. "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God." was his text. We purify our soul through obeying the truth and unfeigned love of the brethren. These are some of the thoughts that stood out to me. 

     To be aware of God in every situation believing that goodness and mercy will follow us through it all. I got tested on this immediately. I drove home from church because Jerry was in a hurry and knew I would drive faster. Jolene, Stacie and Debi in the back, all is quiet, Jerry seemingly sleeping. I get into the 45 mph zone and a car turns off in front of me and I speed up. Blue lights start flashing from what I think is the same car that turned off. I groan and start slowing down as he comes up behind me. I pull over and stop. My heart pounds and sinks simultaneously. The girls, (Jolene and Stacie) get excited as they put on seat belts. Jerry pulls out the registration and I realize I do NOT have my license! The officer comes to the window announcing what I had been doing, not too happy about the accelaration. My words are few, I make no excuses. He comes back after going back to check out my record and gives me a warning and tells me to slow down. During this time, I am thinking of the sermon and can hardly believe it when he only gives me a warning. I barely have the fortitude to say thank-you and slowly go on my way. Jerry, after a bit, says, "That's why you (Jolene and I) speed because you get miracles." Jolene says, "Not always." Anyway, mercy followed me and I am thankful. 

      The sermon also encouraged me to do my work as unto the Lord and to see God even on the job where things get tedious and boring. We can see God even in very hard things if we look for it. May I see God even in the irritating hardships of life.

Learning Peacefully

    Can I learn peacefully? Or do I have to go through harsh painful things to learn? Can I learn through following the Holy Spirit in obedience and seeing its fruit? Or do I have to learn through the painful repercussions of doing it my way?
     We are to pray that we can live quietly and in peace. We are to mind our own business. How peaceful is that?! If we mind only our own business it cuts down on a lot of mess in our minds. Plus we have more energy for what we ought to be doing.
      My quest is to be able to live in thanksgiving and peace. Not my natural habitat. We are to live circumspectly not recklessly. We are to move within the sphere of God's annointing and peace. This is what I am aiming for. May I live for a higher, a heavenly calling not things temporal.
      Slowing down to do the right thing, is what I am trying to get into my head. Not always rushing, taking the time to talk when a client wants to talk instead of having me rush off to do their cleaning. Very hard but actually rather rewarding.
      Camping was a trial, a blessing and a lot of work. This is another subject but rather relevant. Packing everything up, setting up the tent, etc. enjoying one and half days then packing it all up and going home to unpack it all seems a gruesome amount of work for a very small amount of relaxation. My solution would be to go longer which I am not sure will ever work out. Being there with our church family is lovely though, so I do not want to miss it.
      I made kabobs the first evening which were well received and yummy. This is the time when everyone makes there own supper. Stacie came a bit late and had had McDonalds. I exclaimed at this and she said, "Yes, I did and I would do it again." Making me realize she was evidently very hungry after her cleaning job. She did eat some and so did Jolene who came really late. Dar also came scavenging and had some. :) I used pork tenderloin marinated in some yogurt concoction. A new recipe again as I get bored with same old, same old. I worried about the Sunday meal I was in charge of along with other ladies but it turned out well. Doug pronounced the amish peanut butter dessert on bread. Here again, why did I worry so much about that meal? Why not do your best and not worry? Yes, well, anyhow..
     One of the high points was when Joy and I went bird watching Saturday morning or rather around noon. We got to see a lot of different water birds. A real treat for me. They were not very close and we wished for a telescope but had to make do with our binoculars.
      I enjoyed Saturday night around our fire with some of the neighboring campers coming to join us. We made smores. (I ate one smothering it in marshmallows to camoflage the chocolate.) Jerry said he could eat them all night. To top that evening off I caught one of my clogs on one of those wicked tent stakes and down I went. Thankfully unhurt except for my wrist which was better in no time.
      Sunday morning when the youth sang their signature song, I got teary. Not sure why but somehow I felt sad. Maybe because this group is coming to an end. Four of them were young marrieds and expecting. Changes have come and some have suffered through sorrows and sickness. It will not stay the same. I would not want it to but at the same time it is hard to see them go through suffering.
      I did not sleep well either night. On the way home, I slept. I was feeling ill, the way I do when sleep deprived. When we got home my lovely husband said, "Go to bed." When I kept stumbling about helping unload, I was forcibly escorted to the bedroom and told to get some sleep. I mumbled, "Thank-you." and did so. Slept till five. Then went to bed 7:30 and felt like a new person this morning.
     

Torment Verses Peace

     I was thinking recently about how lovely it is to be at peace, thinking back to a time when there was mostly torment. I was walking through Wal-mart and I remembered how I used to feel, tormented with fear. It was like having a huge injury and everything ouched horribly. It would stab me in the heart and it would be all I could do to keep going. The nightmares that went with it, not wanting to go to sleep at night. At times getting up very early due to nightmares and not wanting to risk it again. Sitting immobilized on the couch, frozen in terror. Praying, walking, exercising, anything to get relief and finally one day something snapped inside and I no longer tried. Watching videos all the time basicly, to just block out the agony.
     One thing I refrained from doing during this time by a small margin is I did not forsake my Lord. At times, I would just put up a weak almost non-exsistent prayer. And when the enemy came encouraging me that my family would be better off without me, which definitely made sense as I was NOT a good wife and mother at this time, I would stop and think. And I would realize that leaving or committing suicide would hurt them infinitely worse than what I was doing now. And when I really stopped to think, I knew my husband loved me, even though I doubted this continually during this time. (I don't know the havoc it would have created if I would not have had that assurrance.)
      Fear got a foothold in my life and it did not take just an inch but it took miles. I think some of this was due to a sinful past. "Be not deceived. God is not mocked. What you sow that you shall also reap."
      There are some things that stand out to me during this time. Not having anyone to talk to. Nobody was safe or helpful. Condemnation was all that was gotten. (We were in a different church.) My husband on the other hand became more godly and patient and at one point pled and cried out to God for me, on his knees in our bedroom, thinking he had lost me. Tears.. Another thing that happened is that it injured our children particularly the oldest. The last thing is healing. If you do not forsake the Lord or cross boundaries that you have no right to cross there will come healing. Beautiful, sweet, lovely healing. It took a lot of time and was very gradual. As I became more sound of mind and more sane. I started praying for the healing of my husband and our children and I also repented and asked forgiveness of the Lord for getting furiously angry and letting the fear control me. I seemed powerless at the time and I mean powerless, but I still repented and sorrowed with tears over the havoc I created. Sometimes I tried to fix it but it became abundantly clear that I could only pray and ask for mercy for the healing of my family. And again it came through Him and only through Jesus. He is our healer.
       The loveliness of being able to go through a day in peace and joy. We do not value it enough. Fear is of the devil. It is torment. It is evil. There are many, many people that live in torment. We will not be able to help unless we first have compassion and mercy. God is good, his mercy brightens all the paths in which we move. Hallelujah!

Struggles

     I have been thinking of doing things in peace and calm. My sanguine self tends to be bombastic. With being more busy and in a different way than when the children were small or being homeschooled, I am trying to rethink my ways. Instead of always rushing here and there, why not just do it matter-of-factly and in peace. There are lots of things to do and plan but why get riled up? Why not just stay calm? Why not have a house at peace even if it gets messy with neglect now and then or often, as the case may be?
    Here are some reasons for stress: Having to have the house ready each time a realtor wants to show it. Cleaning jobs every weekday morning except Monday unless I have windows to wash for someone. College class that takes up most of Monday afternoon. Trying to think of supper menus that don't take long. (I have been failing at supper altogether this past week.) Confession. Camping and special events coming up. Mostly I find it a challenge to keep the household and meals running smoothly. Planning ahead is not my forte. Then to top everything off the squirrels are stealing my suet and not just the suet but the whole suet holder. Two of them have been taken to date, not counting last year. :) This morning one was contemplating another of my feeders but takes off and hides before Jerry can end his life of crime.
     I am really enjoying the bird watching and getting to see and identify birds that I never did before. Of course, sometimes it fails. Last night Jerry and I went to Briery Creek. One bird was seen besides several crows. We decided it was nice and peaceful at least.
     I thought of another nerve wracking thing. That is asking for a raise. I went up with my three new jobs and they did not fuss at all so I decided the old ones need to be put up also. So far so good. I
decided to do what my friend does. She tells them that by the time she pays social security and taxes she gets about half, which is true. She charges more than I do so that gave me courage.
     I am thankful for fall, cooler temperatures, and oh yes! I am especially glad that Chris finally found out what illness he has been struggling with. Mononucleosis. I think that is how you spell it. We are so thankful that it is not his lymes coming back. Praise the Lord!

Confession

     What  a lovely weekend.  Our visitors and cool weather made it extra special. Seeing a summer tanager this morning made my day. I have seen the yellow ones but not the scarlet males. The church service was good and inspiring. Rhoda shared something in Sunday school that I really needed to hear. She said she has learned she is not Holy Spirit Junior. And then shared how she was not allowed to speak to someone about something so she just prayed about not really expecting God to move right away. Not too much later, she learned that the truths she had wanted to share with this person, were learned by this person without her help. This spoke to me where I am at.
      OK. Confession time. I was looking at news articles and saw this picture that intrigued me so, even though I saw it was a video I clicked on it. It was a video of things that went wrong with funny results. I watched it. There I confessed It. It was not long but still I had not been watching anything so decided this needed a confession and repentance. I want to keep on this path and not stray off it. I like the results and fruits too much to want to give in even to that. I do not want to give it any leeway.
      I was asking Jerry the secret of his Christian life and specifically about prayer. I see the fruit and results of his Christian life but not so much the why. He said there is a book that really influenced him. It is called The Spiritual Guide by Michael Molinos. I have started reading it and am trying to practice it. I am not sure but think it is already making a difference. Will keep you posted. This especially spoke to me: "But when the believer fixes his attention on the face of his Lord without requiring consideration, reasoning, without need of proofs to be convinced of anything, this is a higher prayer."

Birds, Forgiveness, and Worship

    This morning a hawk was on the ground in our field with the crow he had caught. What attracted our attention was the outraged cries of many crows and I mean many. They were still coming from different directions when I stepped out onto the back deck to view it through my binoculars. The hawk was facing me and decided to depart. What struck me was the amount of outrage not just from crows in the immediate vicinity but coming in from different directions to participate. They did not let up when he flew into the woods or when he flew to the neighbor's trees. Stacie said that is the way a church should act when the enemy attacks one of us. Another thing that made an impression on me before this was when a hawk had caught a blue jay. People say nature is so beautiful etc. and that we should not interfere, forgetting that we as people were given charge of the earth and are to subdue it. The hideous slow death of that blue jay was a revelation to me. Nature is not beautiful, it is brutal. There are beauties in nature but it is definitely better for the dominion of mankind if he does not shirk his duty.
      I will now get off my soap box. Church started by ministering in the songs sung at the beginning and the encouragement to leave the things of our week go and praise Him. What a wonderful thing to be able to worship Him because He is worthy and leaving who we are and the worry that goes with it. Just leaving it to worship Him and Him only. There was prayer for the sick among us. For some reason there was a real burden on me for these, a weeping. The enemy seems to be attacking our young men. Godly young men are warriors the enemy especially fears and attacks. They grow into ministers and pillars of the church. May the enemy be defeated. May his machinations come to naught.
      The message was on forgiveness. We have heard so many messages on forgiveness since we have come to this church, often by visiting ministers. Today was by a visiting minister as well. One who has lived it to a more pronounced degree than maybe a lot of us. He started with Proverbs 19:11. It is the glory of man to pass over a transgression. Doesn't that elevate forgiveness? It is the glory of man to let things go. It is the glory of man to not hold a grudge. It is the glory of man to not live in bitterness. I really like this quote: When man forgives he radiates God's power to others. I will end with that. God bless.    

Prepositions and Prayer

      Yay! I am vindicated. I have been trying not to end my sentences with prepositions. I will now cease and desist this practice. The Saturday Evening Post has shattered that rule; completely smashed it. What is more William Shakespeare, Francis Bacon, John Milton, and Henry Ward Beecher were all named as doing it with examples of their work. Lovely. 

       I realize I am not a writer; not worthy of being called one. I make not no bones about it. Stringing words together hoping they make sense is what I do. Actually knowing how to construct an essay, story, etc. is definitely not something I know much about. Now, I have one less rule that I have to watch out for. :) I shall try not to overdo it.

       Praying is on my mind. What would happen if I devoted a certain amount of time each day to it? I read once of a praying lady whom people would ask to pray for their needs and burdens. She would go into her closet to pray and start praising the Lord, never even getting to the requests. And the requests and needs would be met. Her intention was to pray for the requests but when she got before the Lord her heart would swell in praise, so that is what she would do.

       I need to minister to my family. This is very important. At the same time, I am neglecting the Lord. I am letting frustrations, stress and many obligations rob me of walking in peace and calm. Maybe if I put first things first, just maybe I would be more peaceful and full of grace. 

Energy!

    Due to years of foot pain, the idea of accomplishing a lot in a day is somewhat foreign to me. Lately, this is changing. It is a weird feeling to feel so driven and actually get accomplished what I set out to do. For some reason the fatigue and tiredness I often felt is also gone. This is all very amazing to me.
    I attribute some of this directly to my watching fast. I have also been going to the chiropractor for my foot and he has also been working on my back. Through that I also started using the exercisor and doing other exercises. Whatever it is that is giving me energy, I am thankful.
     I am thankful not to have that thing of watching something tugging at me every minute. I am thankful to be able to think clearly, unhindered by noise and garbage. I am thankful for the opportunity to help out financially. I am thankful for the ability to work hard. I am thankful for being ready to go with Jerry when he wants me to go along somewhere. I am thankful for birds to watch. :)
     I guess I am thankful for dentists, yes, I am. I was to one today. First the needle that makes your eyes water. Then you wait until you are sure the numbness is leaving. When you are about to get up and leave here he comes with the drill. My lip, with mouth wide open trembles in abject fear. Memories of a dentist in days of yore, who, in his zeal went too deep and hit my sinus come to haunt me. I pray the numbness will hold. With wonder, I listen to their joking, devoutly hoping he is keeping his eyes on my tooth as he drills away. The dentist pauses in his work to throw an empty box of gloves at one of the receptionists. He misses due the low ceiling he is sure. The new box of gloves arrives amidst laughter. I grin without enthusiasm. Finally, the victim is released. I still can not breathe well out of one nostril due to the numbing. I did not tell him this so as to not impede progress. After he had numbed me and finally returned to do the deed. He saw the cold sore at the corner of my mouth and suggested we could wait a couple weeks. Oh NO! I am here now and we are going to get this over with. I said this in a milder way but definitely waiting was not an option. The cold sore, an eruption due to stress, was just going to have live with it or preferably die.
     I will end with a trivia question: Why, with five pairs of reading glasses, one of them broken, can I find only two that work?

First Day of Class

    Our first day of Field Ornithology is accomplished. Stacie, a friend from church, Joy Yoder and I are all taking it. We all enjoyed it. The professor gave us an introduction then took us bird watching. I saw one that I have not seen before, Grasshopper Sparrow, so I was tickled pink. I want to take off and just watch birds, which is not going to happen.
    Our late summer seems to be kicking off at high speed. How to enjoy it when super busy, that is the question. It puzzles my brain.
    Are we too busy when we find ourselves too frazzled with the daily duties and extras, to spend time with Him? I know we can spend time with Him as we work but still.. When we come to the end of the day and have not spent time in quiet, praying and reading His word are we too busy? I do not particularly subscribe to the theory that this has to be done with perfect regularity. I have seen duties ignored for reading and studying. Burdens that ought to have been lifted, instead, ignored for reading and studying. But what I was wondering is, what if whenever we felt hungry for the word of God, whenever we felt a need for a closer walk with Him, whenever we felt burdened to pray...What if we just did it? I think if we would act on these and the gentle promptings of the Spirit, we might be farther ahead. All this guilt and condemnation we walk in does not seem to produce the desired results. Why not walk in freedom, guiltless, doing our duty and when an hungered eat, when burdened pray, when hungry for Jesus spend quality time with Him? I think it would happen a lot more than we think.
    Jesus said, "My meat is to do the will of Him that sent me." I think doing His will strengthens us just as meat does. Help us to do His will and walk in freedom not the rules that we put on ourselves. I will modify this statement to some degree. There is nothing wrong with discipline, in fact I am practicing it now with my fast from watching things for a year. When He leads us into this type of thing I think He also gives the grace and strength to accomplish it.

Fail!

    So we hear about this purple martin festival in Richmond. We go. Aaannnd we see nothing! There were supposed to be thousands of them coming to roost in a certain line of trees in Richmond. Sad. We went to the foot bridge to Belle Isle instead and walked across it. When we came back we saw some martins circling high in the sky but not very many. Oh well, I enjoyed eating out with friends and the bridge was nice. There will be wry purple martin comments for some time to come. One very cool thing was at one of the vendors in the area they had a book by one of Jerry's relatives, Victor Stoll. He had the largest colony of martins on his place in Tennessee and wrote a book about it.
    I am now making kefir which is supposed to be good for you. Jerry has decided he will not take any more because of internal combustion. He said the stuff is trying to kill him. I thought it might be good for Chris since he was on antibiotics so long and he can not take probiotics as it sends him into a tailspin with his low blood sugar. I would tell you more about it but you can google it.
    Debi has started making gourmet doctored up iced coffees with the concentrate I made. They look and taste amazing. I have a feeling they are a bit like a bomb health wise but if you want to stay awake and have sugar high there you go.
    Bed calleth. May your night be blessed.

Dark Cloud

    A dark cloud has been hanging over my head. An undefined sadness and depression. I did not identify it as an attack until last night. It still hung over me today. Tonight it is better. Somehow with following several leadings that occurred today and having company tonight for supper as a result, it seemed to break.
     The girls both started college today. I threatened Jolene with a sweet potato when she was loud right by my ear and she said with a snooty accent, "Don't hit me. I'm a college student now." We both dissolved into laughter. I enjoy the girls so much. Sometimes there is drama but mostly I am enjoying them.
      I am holding my breath as far as my foot holding out with all this housecleaning, etc. I am faithfully doing exercises for them, etc. It held up pretty good today but by tonight it went into a spasm when I got up to do something.
      I must go to bed so I will bid you good-night.

Fall Is Calling

    I feel the energy of autumn. It calls my name. Time to  exercise it says, time to study, time to batten down the hatches for winter. The first batch of corn candy is in the house.
    Yesterday I was at the chiropractor to get my tendon lasered and glanced up at the screen that is always spouting health info. It was saying that those who walk two miles are more healthy than those who walk one mile. It did not mention those who resist the temptation to walk. It spurred me to walk last night. I walked about a mile and half. Interesting side note: I was on the phone the whole way.
    I think the iced coffee concentrate I made is going to land in the drain. Nobody is drinking it. I think what Stacie said about Jerry's coffee this morning applies to it. She said it tasted like burnt matches with lady bugs in it.
    Life is full of interesting things right now. I am rather enjoying it.
    Keeping our eyes on Jesus is so important. It was brought home to me again very poignantly by Ken Davis. If we focus on the behavior we do not want in our lives that is what we will surely do. If we focus on Jesus and good behavior we will head toward it and Him. This is put very badly but hopefully you get the gist of it.

Offenses

     I got a glimpse yesterday of the damage that an offense can do in a person's life.  An offense is something that hurt you deeply at some point in your life. There might be other definitions but this is the one I am interested in for the moment. The damage can reach all areas of your life. (Did I mention how gruesome slugs are. One is crawling on my screen right now. I had thought we vanquished them all. Sorry my mind wandered.) Usually there is bitterness that goes with it. The enemy uses deep hurts to try and get us to believe lies which if we do not realize the importance of letting go of the offense and forgiving the person that caused it, can permeate into many areas of our life. The lies then start ruling our life instead of truth or Jesus.
     The importance to forgive and let go is so important and sometimes incredibly hard to do. Maybe to emphasize this point, this morning some offenses of my past came at me. Before I realized it, I was mulling over them. Then it hit me what was going on. It takes a laying down of self to let go and forgive yet again, when self is screaming that we have a right to be angry. That it was unjust and not right. "Let us lay aside every weight.." It takes a laying down of self to stop mulling over it.
     The lies that we are tempted to believe and the doubt the enemy tries to plant in our minds need to be rejected out of hand. A thought comes that you know is not of God but you are comfortable with it because you have lived with it so long. It is also something of an excuse. To reject it and believe the truth is going to propel you out of your comfort zone. To be a productive Christian, we MUST believe the truth. We can not be a light in this dark world if we are believing lies.
     The fast continues. Yesterday, I come out of the bedroom and the girls are in gales over some little clip they are watching. I look at it and Stacie realizes it and runs over to put her hands over my eyes. Honestly!
     College starts this week. Quake! The ornithology class I am taking does not start until next week though.
     May your day be full of His glory.
     

Am I An Israelite?

    Was thinking of the Israelites and how they would have awesome victories and then bam! down they would go into unbelief, complaining, etc. I am seeing myself acting this way and not too pleased about it. Shouldn't I believe more easily and more quickly now than before? When my own faults and sins look so monumental I find it hard to believe.
     I will turn my eyes to the only One Who is able to change things. I will put my trust in You. I will lay my complaining, whining self aside and only gaze at You, Lord. I will be quiet and trust. Let quiet faithfulness envelope me, Lord.
     The people did not show up to look at the house. We had a clean house much sooner than we would have had otherwise. I decided my iced coffee is lethal. I drank a glass of it at some point in the afternoon yesterday and it literally kept me awake all night. My eyes are scratchy and sleepiness is overtaking me as I write.
      In September I will no longer be in the food committee at church, so today I took some supplies up to the church and straightened the pantry, etc. It was a good stretching experience but I don't mind handing the responsibility over to someone else. :)
      Bed is calling. Good-night.

Panic!

     The iced coffee is made and very strong. The French press is on the back burner except when Jolene uses it. More syrup is made for Italian sodas. Debi and I are fans of these. Our day proceeds normally and then cabam! A phone call saying someone wants to come see our house tomorrow morning. Panic ensues. Since it is already evening and the house needs cleaning we shift into high gear. There are threats of what will happen if they don't come after all. Most of the house is now on the verge of decency except the kitchen and pantry which will be attacked at early morn. Lord willing.
     I have started reading a book about Hudson Taylor called, Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret. I have only read a little bit and it already ministered to me. I put in an order of books the other day. I wanted some that are true and full of ministry.
     My feet have improved what with using the exerciser. Which is an apparatus that you put your ankles on while lying down, of course, and it shakes you. Also I am going to the chiropractor and having them laser the tendon. Do or die. :)
     If you are wondering, I am still on the fast. It is not as easy as it was before. I am over one third of the way through so it looks a bit lengthy yet. I do not watch anything so it gets a bit tedious. I have been longing to listen to a German singing group that someone had told us about at EBI and that I really like but I am not going to start. I am afraid if I give it an inch it will take a mile. Plus the temptation is stronger right now.
     To God be the glory. Great things He hath done! So loved He the world that He gave us His Son.
     As always He is worthy of all honor, glory, and praise!
   

How To Continue

     Tonight a prayer:
     Lord, help me to let go of wanting people's approval. Let me shake off offenses as Paul shook off the snake. My eyes so often leave You and focus on other things and people. Oh, for a singleness of mind, a heart that pants after you, seeking only to do your will.
     My heart feels like lead. Again I see the feebleness of my efforts. How frail and puny they are! Help me love as You love, care as You care. Help me to do the duty that lies before me. Help me to see things as You see them, not judging by what I see and feel but having an ear to You.
     You know me better than I do. You know my selfishness, my pride, my tendency to laziness, etc. You know my frame and my weakness. Yet I will worship for You are worthy. So worthy.
      I will praise You for all the wonders You have done. Great is Your faithfulness. You have heard our cry and met us wondrously. You poured out Your Spirit in a mighty way. You healed wounds and restored souls. You gave the oil of joy for the spirit of heaviness. You speak and we can listen and act on it. You routed the enemy and set the captives free. How great and mighty are Your works! Blessed is Your Name and Your ways past finding out. Jesus, blessed Redeemer!

Frustration

    Maybe writing in the morning will work better. Evenings are not working so well.
    My foot is worse lately and my other foot is not feeling so good. Discouragement wants to plague me as well as anger. I did not realize until right now that there is an element of anger in this. Frustration at it getting worse for no apparent reason; then trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. Maybe I should quit trying to keep it at bay, maybe trying to find reasons is useless, maybe always blaming myself for doing something wrong is stupid. MAYBE I should cast all that aside and pray. Cry out to God for help, for mercy and healing.
     On another note, I have been trying to glean some healthy and trimming information from a very fat diet book. I have tried a few recipes and liked them. I just don't like wading through a mountain of unnecessary words to get to the info I want. I decided to use Jerry's illustration of just doing what you are capable of, as far as new resolutions go. Applying this to dieting makes me breathe easier and is much less condemning.
     The fast continues, with good results. I continue with some trepidation and circumspectness. (I know, I know. It is not a word.) There is a sense of danger coming from the fact that the battle we were in, has lessened greatly. Thank-you Jesus and praise your holy name! What happens is that you relax your guard to some degree. The reaction is to let caution fly to the winds and "just max and relax." Anyway, this is what I do not want to do but I feel it knocking, that kick back feeling. What goes with that feeling is to let go of fasting and just chill. Lord help me to walk with a view to the seriousness of the race we are in and not relax my guard. Rest, yes, but not without a soberness and awareness of danger and the evil that wants to beset us.
     I used to think we were not on the front lines in this country but I see it quite differently now. There is so much of the occult intertwined and interwoven even in legitimate things in out country and it is affecting people a lot more than is thought. My sister, who is a nurse, said how the computer calendar for the hospital's medical group now has witch's holidays on it. How we have fallen! This country with its great revivals and Christianity has sunken pretty far. It must be grievous in God's eyes. May God help us to be ready to lose our lives for the sake of the gospel. Help us to stand for truth and right!
   

Warning Dreams

    Stacie and I each dreamed that I started watching things again. I decided to take it as a warning not to drop my guard. I was very relieved when I woke up and realized it was not true. I also take dreams like these as an opportunity to pray about a particular situation and ask for God's protection.
     It continues being a good thing for me and for my family as well. It makes me so much more available.
     Debi and I biked another section of the trail last Saturday morning. It was very enjoyable. Jerry took us to the Rice entry and we biked back to River Road going over High Bridge in the process. We stopped on High Bridge to enjoy the view, so beautiful.
     Last night we had a discussion on discipline. Jolene asked Jerry if discipline is good. He said, "Yes. It is beneficial." And she said, "What if you have no will power?" He said, "Then you just do what you are capable of. For instance, if you want to get up early, just do one day a week." He said it also helps to have a set time time like a month, etc. that you will do your discipline. I decided to apply this to losing weight.
    In regards to the French press coffee, it is a hit with Debi, Stacie, Jolene and I. I grind my own coffee and it tastes great! The problem is the French press must have been of the cheaper variety as it is already broken, usable, but probably not for long.
     I will soon be working every morning from Tuesday through Thursday. The girls will be helping me whenever they can. I have gotten two new jobs and upped my price and they did not blink so if more come in, the other ladies are going to have to pay more to keep me. :) It was encouraging that my reputation as a good cleaner got me the one job. I feel a bit apprehensive how busy it is going to get around here once college starts but hopefully it will be a fairly smooth transition.
     We have put our place up for sale. We have been getting more and more disgusted with the amount of money we spend on upkeep so we will see. Jerry has other land where we could build and I especially like the one spot or site. There will be no fence or pool or field. Happy sigh...
     
   

The Blessing That Came Yesterday

      I am not sure where to start, but God came so graciously yesterday afternoon and evening. I asked God as I prayed if His angel had gotten here yet. I just asked this in my spirit and I felt like God's answer was, yes. Stacie had a faith given to her way earlier that God's angel is on the way as he was for Daniel, that he had started out when we first started praying for Debi. (Debi, I hope you don't mind.)
      So many things going through my mind...How by this time there was almost a sense of hopelessness in me. Yet, I kept following the Lord's gentle promptings in faith only, there was little strength, only obedience. Sometimes you know in your head that God is the only hope, but then there comes a time when you really know it down deep in your gut.
      I had learned earlier the devastation it can cause if I am not under my husband. This day God gave great grace to let Him lead and not interfere. He gave me faith as I prayed silently that God would give him direction. His calm confidence was an inspiration. If ever I need an example and how often this is, of a lack of striving, and of faith and confidence in one's God, I have it in my husband. I became more involved later, for you that are wondering if all I did was just pray. :)
      All I know is that He came, with direction, with power, with forgiveness, acceptance, and with that wonderful calmness and peace that can only come from Him.
      I woke up with a song on my heart. Praise to Him who allows us to work in His kingdom.

Out of the Depths

      Out of sickness, discouragement, depression (I felt like Eeyore), failure, I cry unto you, Lord. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want answers and there are none. Long have I waited and still there are no answers and yet, there are. Maybe not the ones I want but through talking with Jerry and reading one of my brother's statuses there are words of hope.

      From Jerry: For real transformation to take place, the glory of the Lord must be beheld from the ground where the trouble lies. It can not be done in the abstract. We must behold the glory of the Lord from the midst of the temptation or right after we have failed. We are not to imagine how the transformation will be done. We must only behold the glory of the Lord and we MUST see it. 

      Me: What is His glory? 

      Jerry: Reads to me from Revelation 4 and 5. 

      Me: So what you're saying is worship Him?

      Jerry: Thinks a bit then says, "Yes, in a sense. Worship Him even on the ground of failure. Worship is the out working of our faith in that situation."

      Dale says: God used worship, primarily, to deliver me from the endless mind games from the enemy. 

      Also from Dale:

Ro. 4:17 (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, AND CALLETH THOSE THINGS WHICH BE NOT AS THOUGH THEY WERE. ~ Abram became Abraham, became the father of all those who live by faith, and received the long awaited promise BECAUSE HE ALLOWED GOD TO CALL HIM SOMETHING THAT HAD NOT HAPPENED YET. Even though it had be...come impossible Abraham still believed what God said would happen. Are you allowing God to "name" you or do you receive your identity from your past, your failures and your mistakes? Hypocrisy is to pretend to be someone you're not, to be accepted and approved of by man. Faith is to believe you are what God says you are, in spite of your failures and what you see at times. We grieve and sorrow over our failures, mistakes, and sins but we do not let them become our identity. And we can begin rejoicing, by faith, in who God says we are even before we see it fully established in our lives. This pleases God." 

      

      He is worthy of all glory and praise. I have been very much convicted on how little I praise Him and worship Him. I want to behold His glory even in the depths of discouragement.

Sacrifice

    "Any sacrifice we make in our quest for freedom will be wholly consumed and blessed by God."
     "To be liberated in Christ, we've got some sacrifices to make. Make sure He's the one asking for it, but if He is, any sacrifice you make will be wholly consumed by Him as such a sweet sacrifice. He will bless."
     "We fear making sacrifices."
     These are all quotes from Beth Moore. They blessed me in this giving up of watching things and not playing games on line. I am not sure what it all means but I have already been blessed more than a little.
      Sickness overtook me in the night so I stayed home from church. I went out to shut off the water for the pool and decided to walk around a bit. I looked like Sasquatch and was in my housecoat. Then I saw them. These little lovely birds, I had never seen before. I looked through all the warblers and nothing fit. Then I found the Blue-Gray Gnatcatcher and that fit on all points and migration is on target too. I felt like God had smiled at me even in my misery. Later in the day Jerry saw a strange bird on the back deck and pointed it out to me. I only got one good look at it and think it might have been a Black-and-White Warbler but am not sure. It was black and white that I know. Debi came over to see what I was so excited about and muttered she thought it would at least be a deer or something. :) Even later on when I went out to look at birds I saw more different ones and here again I was not completely sure what I saw but decided all in all it was a lovely day, sick or not.
    

Dog Days

    Writing tonight is not what I feel like doing. Cabin fever is pressing in on my brain. Sluggishness hounds me.
     This morning I ground my first coffee beans and crunched on one for good measure. Then I made coffee in a French Press. This may be a passing fad. Too much clean up. The point seems to be taste and that it is good for you or better for you than regular coffee. I did like it though it could have been stronger and should definitely not have creamer in it. We will see how this goes.
     I did some logic puzzles today to get my brain in gear for the college class I will be taking. Also I think I was just plain lazy today. The fact that I did not have to go to work went to my brain. Two new cleaning jobs are now added to my previous schedule. One with three huge dogs and one with no animals. One of the huge dogs is still a puppy and watched with great concern as I swept up the dirt in the kitchen. I thought my grandpa's saying apt, "Vas grossa das drech moved selvat vech." I am sure I did not spell it right but the meaning is the greater the dirt moves itself away.
   

Shrizzled

    Going to Richmond on a very hot day is not the best idea in the world but we survived. We came home rather depleted in money and energy.
    I feel the beauty of not being able to watch anything tonight. It gives me the umph to do other things though tired and sleepy. A load of thrift store clothes is in the dryer. The kitchen is cleaned up. (The girls did that.) Now for a rest before a day of work tomorrow.
    Not sure what is going on but more jobs are coming in. (House cleaning) I will be thankful though cleaning is not my favorite occupation. We can use the income with two girls in college this fall. I will thank the Lord for His provision. He is faithful and true. The only wise God. Praise Him!

The Heat of Summer

    I think I should get back to writing everyday as I seem to shirk if I don't have a set schedule. I am still not watching anything. At times it pulls at me but so far not successfully.
    What I have seen with watching things is that it really cripples you socially. It can keep you from going out and socializing and showing an interest in other people. It can also make you selfish and unavailable. It can motivate you if you use it as a reward for doing something you don't want to do but should. But somehow I don't think it is a healthy reward.
     There are people that handle it in a healthy way that I admire. Jerry for example, if I want to talk to him and he is watching a movie, he has no qualms about stopping it and spending time with me or whoever needs him. He seems to always keep himself to some degree removed from what he is watching unlike me. He also has no problem stopping a movie in the middle if he thinks it is going no where. He does not have to see the ending. If he does not approve of it he will turn it off.
     I have only been at this about a three and one half months. It seems a lot longer. I plan to continue and am still mulling over whether I ever want to get back into it.
     On Sunday, I was moved and blessed with how, when we are weak and not feeling good and feeling anything but inspired and still step out in obedience to do what we are supposed to do, here the Lord comes and gives words I had not even planned to say. It showed me again how important it is just to be obedient even when we feel like we would rather fall into bed and sleep. If we obey he meets us and that is better than sleep.
     Well, my title is getting neglected. It is hot and it looks like it is going to get hotter. Stacie mowed lawn today and she got very warm but took it well. I did not dare. I usually do some of the mowing but today the heat was a bit too scary. I took a swim after supper. It was nice. The water is still cool. I don't really enjoy lukewarm water. I grilled steak for supper. I told Chris I feel like I am adding to the heat.

Calmness

    The calm assurance of a godly person is very reassuring. His faith, his words build faith in me. He is not out to prove anything. He does not control or try to control.
     This morning I realized that I do not have to make anything happen. I can not make something happen. Only Jesus can. I have to let go and trust Him. Chiefly I MUST let go. A load went off my back but so quickly I try to take it up again.
     I praise Jesus tonight. I proclaim Him as Lord and Savior. He only can deliver. He only can save. We can present the truth. We can exhort. We can pray but ultimately He alone will save. Glory and praise be to His Name! He is worthy!

The Business of Summer

    Somehow I had this vision of a relaxing summer. The materializing of it is not happening. I have had relaxing moments but as a whole not so much. I am getting another cleaning job and have signed up for an ornithology class in the local community college for this fall. Our church is planning on starting a church school this fall if possible and last night some were suggesting I should be the teacher. At one time I thought it would be a good thing but after some thought I am not so sure. Hopefully, another teacher will be found.
     Each day I seem to get about half done of what I want to get done. Frustrating. I think an earlier start would be extremely beneficial. Accomplishing it is another matter. I have become too lackadaisical or maybe just lazy. There. I confessed it. Also energy is increased by exercise so maybe some of that would help. I have been getting some but could use more. I always think I am going to use the pool when it opens but then cop out. Another confession.
      The heat has been getting to me again. I detest getting sick from it and can sometime avert it but not always. Dumping water over my head helped when mowing but still did not actually keep me from getting sick. Today when I got so hot at work, I did not eat for a good three hours afterward except for a bit of applesauce and I actually am fine tonight. So maybe if I do not eat for a good long time after I get very warm or hot describes it better, maybe I can keep the sickness at bay. I am hoping I have found the key to staying well in hot weather.
       Another fault I have been trying to deal its death blow, is when you should be doing one thing, you do something else instead. This has plagued me ever since I was in third grade, I think, with various degrees of victory off and on. It is a sort of rebellion or let's just call it rebellion which is abhorrent to the Father. Doing something that needs to be done when it needs to be done has no yeast in it. It is like unleavened bread. It is very healthy. I want to be healthy and doing the will of the Father is like eating vegetables in a way. There is no pizzazz. It does not give you a buzz. It does not put you on a high. It does not give you a low either. It strengthens and nourishes. When we submit to God and resist the devil, he has to leave, which then clears the mind and brightens our outlook.

Mini Vacation

   Finally, I am writing again. Being up here with my parents has been revitalizing. Having a little prayer meeting with sisters and parents, having an even smaller one with Mom one day, they are precious memories. The encouragement from sister-in-law Karyn and daughter Jacki was invaluable. It was worth coming up here just for that. Then of course, the times of laughter and conversation with everybody are lovely and relaxing.
    I am especially thankful for Stacie's safe return from Faith Builders this afternoon. She had a harrowing trip and I feel almost weepy with thankfulness for her safety. I am also thankful for her getting an answer from the Lord about something while she was there. I am thankful for the song It Is Finished this morning in church. It blessed me so much. Also thankful for the sermon. I will not attempt to repeat it but its title was Almost.
    I have not watched anything while up here so if you are wondering I have kept the faith. :) I have gotten more insights about watching things while I have been here. I will attempt to relate them later but more and more I see no benefit in it for a healthy person. I do not know about sick or hurting people.
    I am sitting on the screened in porch. It is dusk and the rain cooled it down to a very bearable temperature. The birds are singing and the trees are dripping with wetness. Very lovely.
    Feel the itch to get home especially to see my dear better half. I feel ready to face cleaning jobs, house work, lawn mowing, hopefully some canning, etc. Am looking forward to seeing homefolks and especially Chris and Debi.
    I just thought of a conversation by yours truly and better half for your amusement:
    Jerry says something. Reaches over and touches my hand. No Response. Pulls his hand back and says, "See! You want nothing to do with me."
    Me: "You just stabbed me in the heart. It takes a little while to recover."
    Jerry puzzled, "What did I say?"
    Me: "I don't know! but you have to give me some time to recover."
    Jerry exasperated, "What did I say?!"
    Me: "I don't know." Starts giggling.
    Jerry: "This is the stupidest conversation we've ever had."
    This was after a very trying day and I was feeling very harassed and I could not remember what he had said. Anyway, we started laughing and the day ended well. "Laughter doeth good like medicine."
     Just a side note, I would never make a law in a church or support it that the people in it could not watch anything. I am making observations, etc. for my own benefit. I firmly believe that convictions formed on your own through the Word of God and the Holy Spirit and maybe even through being inspired by other believers are much firmer than any man made law. Convictions are formed through wanting to do the will of God and a deep desire to live in His presence. When we so love His presence, anything that makes that communion fade becomes something about which we have to decide whether to give it up or not.
     I have been reading a very good book that Dad suggested. One thing I noticed though is that it does not take the place of the Bible. The Bible cuts through the fat. It has no yeast. It is just truth. Unadulterated truth. I sorrow over the little I have read it in my life. It refreshes. It puts everything in proper perspective. It shows you your proper place. It keeps you from becoming high minded and proud. It teaches you who you are in Christ. It shows you Christ. It gives you precious promises to believe and hang onto.

In PA

    This might be a bit of a testing for my watching fast. My parents have TV. They use it very discreetly but it might become a bit tempting. I did see a bit of the news tonight which is not a temptation for me and never has been. They are very respectful about me not watching something but I do not want to be the cause of them not watching something if they want to sometime. I am just planning to go into another room and do something else if that happens.
    Really enjoyed traveling with the girls today. Stacie drove all the way up. First we did a lot of laughing and talking. Later Jolene and I took naps. Stacie's car (Herman) was put to the test going over the mountains here close to my parents. I patted him and told him he could do it. :) Stacie is still not feeling the best and took a long nap when we got here.
    It is always good to chat with Mom and Dad and their place always seems like a retreat to me. I miss my better half. Hopefully, he will get some rest. I can hardly believe they have fast internet here after years of waiting. We have not figured out the password so we can use the wireless internet yet so I am on their computer.
    I am thankful to have this time here with my parents. I am thankful that my sisters are coming and also several nieces. I am thankful that sister-in-law, Karyn is coming. May God bless our time together and also bless the ones at home.

Envy

    I have been thinking of jealousy and envy lately. Why do we envy? What causes it? Is it insecurity? Is it pride? Wherever it comes from, the Bible is pretty clear about it being evil. 
    Another question I have is how do you help someone who is struggling with it? I think there is fear in envy, at least sometimes. Fear is from the Devil. This is becoming more real to me all the time. Fear hamstrings you. It keeps you from doing what you ought to do. I think there is also pride in envy. A thinking that you deserve more or better than what the other person does. Maybe thinking more highly of yourself than you ought to.
     One thing James says is that if we have envy we are not to glory and we are not to lie against the truth. We are to be honest about it. He also says, "Where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work." So envy is an awful thing and causes confusion which makes me think of not being able to think clearly and just being confused. "Every evil work" makes me think what envy causes a person to do. It can cause you to be mean and cold instead of loving and warm. It can cause you to be spiteful and critical instead of encouraging and kind.
     Maybe if we can remember how we are loved by the Father, that He wants us and accepts us as we are with all our mess, maybe then knowing we are accepted and loved, we can let go of envy. At the same time submitting to Him and His will and allowing Him to burn up the dross. As always, I think being honest is key, not making excuses, but saying flat out, "Lord, I envy that person" then asking God's forgiveness.
     The beauty of love, is its willingness to forgive and its ability to make good things grow.

Equipping

     In our discipling do we equip people with what they need to become mature Christians? This seems to me to be a rather important question. Or do we because of our own immaturity and desire to lord it over someone keep the Christians we are discipling as babies? I think this takes self discipline in the one discipling and a willingness to let go. Also it takes faith in the One we serve, believing He can and is willing to keep those who we have committed to His care. Controlling everything is not faith. I am speaking to myself here. You so want things to keep going in the right direction that you're afraid to let go.
      How do you equip the one you are discipling? I think first of all that their help will come from God not man. That His yoke is easy and His burden is light. That which He tells us to do is doable, you do not have strain and struggle. That reading God's Word and siding with it, agreeing with it, and believing it starts the freeing process. Keeping an ear turned to Him for direction, inspiration and for what He wants to say to you as you go through your day and as you seek Him. He has to be our God not man. We must know where to turn to when hell is against us. We must know Who to listen to and learn to recognize His voice.
     I was thinking today how hellish perfectionism is. Hitler was a perfectionist. It almost makes me weep that God gives room for us to make mistakes. He does not condemn us but waits for us to see it and correct our course. How awesome is that! We must give our brothers and sisters in the Lord room to make mistakes. (I am talking of mistakes not sin.) We should not be quick to say, "they should not do that." How do we know? Have we walked in their shoes?
     I am sure there is a lot more to equip a person with but these are just some of my thoughts.

Speaking

    When you see someone who can not speak, you start seeing the importance of it. Not being able to pray, to read Bible verses aloud or speak truths from God's Word, because the enemy will not let you, is a handicap of major proportions. It is also a demonic stronghold, obviously.
     What I am seeing is that it is a privilege to speak truth, to read the Word aloud, to pray aloud, to sing His praises. We ought to always be willing when the Lord wants us to speak. We are to speak to ourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. We are to speak the truth in love. I hate to speak in public but I think I had better rethink that. What is more important is that it makes an impact in the spiritual world and can build faith in others.
     Now on another subject, I had a time of thankfulness for not being at the beck and call of movies and shows tonight. I had a time of swimming and spending time outside tonight. (Jerry came to visit me. :) There is no movie or show calling to me. Freedom! It is awesome! I really appreciate this freedom and I think it has enabled me to be a better soldier in this battle we are in.
     God is good! When? All the time! (Borrowed from Daniel Pollard)

Sorrow

"Jesus was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." Does it avail anything to sorrow and grieve? Last night I felt a sorrow and a grief that is still with me. I am not sure where it all came from but it was there and very heavy. I have to believe God does not give a burden like that for no reason. If Jesus sorrowed and grieved when on this earth why should not we. "Though the wrong is oft so strong God is the Ruler yet."
     Was in prayer most of the day. Still feel the burden to pray and weep.
     Some promises: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."
                                "My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth."
                                "He will not suffer thy foot to be moved."
                                "He that keepeth thee will not slumber."
                                 "The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil."
                                 "He shall preserve thy soul."
                                 "The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth,
                                  and even for evermore.
    It is not often that I open my Bible and feel like the Lord gave me a verse right where it fell open but this morning that happened. I was moved to tears.
My thank-yous:

1. That Jolene and Stacie are being rejuvenated at the summer camp they're helping at and are enjoying it.
2. That Melissa had the inspiration to bring us supper. It was very good.
3. For blueberries.
4. For church family. What would we do without them?
5. For direction from husband and son late at night when all seems lost.
6. For Debi. Yes, Debi, I thank God for you.
7. For peace and joy in the Holy Ghost.
8. For cleanness, for holiness, for righteousness, (may it run down as a mighty stream!) for judgment and justice, (let God arise and His enemies be scattered.)
9. For insight, inspiration and unction.
10. For a love that reaches to the lowest hell. (Lord, help us show that love to the world.)